17 Year Age Difference
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
I am 20 years old and have been dating a 37 year old man for one year. I am so in love with him, I love spending time with him, no matter what we do together, and I know he feels the same way. He is my best friend. I want our love life to be amazing, I want to satisfy him and be satisfied myself.
However, he goes through periods where he is unable to perform in the bedroom, and then a few weeks later everything will be fine again. We have talked about this a few times. He says that he thinks this has something to do with my age, that he gets hung up on our age difference. I've done everything I can think of to help him when we're in the mood, but I am not always successful.
Any suggestions on how I can improve our relations and help him get over our age difference, if that is in fact whats causing our problem?
That is really a HUGE age difference. I have to warn you that I tried that age difference when I was your age as did friends of mine. In the end it didn't work because what you want, long term, out of life is MUCH different than what he wants. It may be fun for a few years. But in fact someone close to me just divorced the guy that she married that was much older ... because while she was still young and full of energy and wanted to do things, he was too tired and had no energy and wanted to sit home and watch TV. That is one of those realities of life, once you get through the hot-and-heavy initial courtship period. Her ex was fine with someone his own age - but he just wasn't well suited to someone 20 years younger.
Which sounds like exactly what is happening here. Sure, he can say it's emotional trauma he's experiencing because you're young. But actually most older guys who go after young girls do it EXACTLY because the young girls are in that 'vibrant sexual stage' and can finally arouse them when they normally just can't get aroused any more. Guys peak sexually at age 18 and then go downhill. He is a LONG way past 18 and many guys his age are having to use viagra to get aroused any more. You on the other hand are 20 and are heading UP in your sexual peak, and won't peak for many more years. So I really have to warn you that he is in heavy decline sexually and is going to keep declining. You are just barely warming up in what you want sexually. Either you learn to live with this situation and accept that you will rarely get sex many times, or you are going to be INCREDIBLY frustrated and angry.
Like I said, I've been there. I know it's easy to say "I love him! I'll MAKE this work!" but life is about reality and in reality you want to have certain things in life. A healthy sex life is one of them. The reason that people normally date people in their own age range is that they're well matched sexually. They're both horny while they're 20-25. They're both very tired when they're in their 60s. So their body needs match up. If you try to *force* a healthy 20 year old woman to "be happy with" what a 40 year old man can do, it's just not going to work. If you try to "grin and bear it" that frustration will still exist and eat away at you. So either you really and truly ACCEPT that sex is NOT an important part of your relationship and that you really CAN live without it, or you need to accept that this guy is a wonderful guy to LOVE and to have as a best friend - but is NOT the best match for you in a romantic way. There's many older guys I really love - but I have deliberately chosen to BE with a guy in my own age group.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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Love is Not Sex