His Feelings Faded
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I have been in a relationship for 8 years and engaged for 4 of the years (we are waiting until I finish school to get married) Two months ago my fiance was transferred 7 hours away for his job. Everything was fine. We very rarely argued and we seen each other about once every 1-2 weeks depending on his schedule.
Well 2 weeks ago he called me and out of the blue he tells me he is not in love with me anymore. He says he has been feeling this way for a year now and was trying to sort out his feelings. I begged and pleaded for him to reconsider but he did not want to hear it. He tells he he loves me and cares about me more than anyone but he is not in love with me. He says he does not feel as strong about me as I do about him.
This past weekend he came for a day and when we seen each other it was like old times. When he was about to leave I said we need to talk about us you can not leave like this. He said you are going to make me decide now. He said my feelings havent change. I cried and told him he is my life and other things. Then he left.
That night when he is on his way back to his house he called me and asked me "can a wrong be made a right" and I said of course people make mistakes. Then he asked me when can I go see him because he left his heart with me and I need to bring it back to him. He said I thought when I would have seen you I would have realized that I made a mistake but it was when I left you that I realized.
As much as I wanted to say yes, please take me back, I asked him if he was sure. I said you have to be 100% sure are you doing this because you feel bad for me or are you doing this because you are in love with me. Then he said "I dont know, I'm confused." When I talked to him yesterday I asked him if he had made up his mind and he said he didnt know because when he told me "can a wrong be made a right" he was upset.
My questions are do you believe our relationship has a chance? Should I call him or wait until he calls me? Should I still tell him I love him even though he tells me when he says it back to me it does not mean he is in love with me? How long should I wait because I feel I could wait forever. (he says he still wants to take care of me until I get out of school and pay for bills and expenses) Should I stay in our apartment down here or move somewhere else? Any advice would help I feel empty and lonely inside.
First off, his babble about 'loving you but not being in love with you' is meaningless. Since only an individual person knows what "love" and "in love" means to them, he is not telling you ANYTHING at all!! He needs to tell you WHAT IS WRONG specifically. What doesn't he feel, what bothers him? A relationship is about two people communicating. SOMETHING is upsetting him about the relationship and he's not telling you what it is. That is his responsibility to share with you in a meaningful way, not in a "love not in love" sort of way.
Secondly, he told you this OVER THE PHONE?? After being together for EIGHT YEARS??? That's strike 2 against his ability to be a real partner in a relationship. Talk about a cop-out! If he had a serious issue with the relationship he should have been mature enough to tell you WHAT IT WAS, and TO YOUR FACE. Instead he dodges the problem and doesn't even bother to do it face to face.
So you are QUITE right to question just what is going on here. It sounds like he felt guilty when he was with you, and I really have to say, if this was ME in this situation that his whole "wrong/right" comment after he left meant he had become interested in someone else and maybe even cheated. And that this whole "break up from afar" was his way of not even taking responsibility for what he had done.
All relationships go through phases. I have the page on them here -
and the key of staying together and staying happy is to TALK honesty and openly with each other about how you feel. It sounds like your boyfriend has NOT been doing this at all. So I would really sit down with him - if only for your own closure in this situation - and tell him to give you an HONEST list of what was wrong so you can think about it. IN PERSON. Don't argue with his list, don't pick on it. Just listen to what he is saying. Then give your own list back, and have HIM listen to you. If you two can really do this - really open your souls to each other - you have a chance. But if all he says is "Sorry" over the phone, it's not going to work.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com