In Love with a Much Older ManVisitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I met that man on the internet and we have talked over a year ... he said he was 42 and we fell deeply in love. Than he admitted he was 70 years old and i became desperate as we were going to meet. I was mad and didn't chat with him for a while then i realized i love him and can't leave him. So we continue chatting but i am afraid to tell anyone about that relationship.
I am 35 years old and I am desperate, I know there is a risk to meet and get married, especially have children. I don't know what to do ... when i decide to leave i am always coming back ... like i am possesed. He has a strong personality and i am lonely right now and don't have a social life. I feel i am in trouble.
Can you help me?
It was one thing for him to say he was "younger" right when you first met. But if he lied to you non-stop that he was TWICE his age - and in essence making him a viable father figure for kids to a likely create-a-kid-then-die person, that is simply not honest at all. You want to have children and while having a big age gap is one thing, creating a child with someone unlikely to be there when the child is 5 - never mind 15 - is quite another.
And even so, if you knew up front he was 70 and you two had talked this out and agreed together that it was worth it to you to raise the child alone even though the child would never know his father or have a father role-model, that would be your choice. But for him to build this relationship with you based on a gigantic lie is just WRONG. And the fact that he continues to manipulate you is just wrong as well.
It really sounds like he is a "safety net" for you that you can go back to and feel loved because you have no other options. You should NEVER be with someone just because they are your "only choice" especially when they are dishonest with you. It will set you up for even more abuse going forward because he is using that isolation to control you.
It is time for you to get out and build your family and friend social support. Join local clubs that share interests of yours. If you're religious, join the local church. Join garden clubs or hobby clubs or whatever there is. Make an effort to contact family and friends and offer to do things. The more family and friends there are in your life, the more HEALTHY decisions you will make because you will be making them because you WANT to and not because you NEED to.
If after 6 months where you have other male and female friends you STILL are really in love with this guy and truly forgive him for the lies, and trust him 100%, then I would say move forward with it. But you MUST have other friends and family in your life, and right now it seems that he is not helping that at all ... which is not good.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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