My Girlfriend is Controlling Me

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
ok, I lived in Indonesia, my girlfriend is also an Indonesian. we are introduced by her aunt in January. She is in Los angeles now, studying and I graduated and came back from the states in March 2002. I started talking to her in January 2003 and we found each other's companionship to be very comfortable. We talked more than 2-3 hours everyday through the phone since then. We got close, real close and we started calling each other darling and honey even before we met. after that, we did have some quarrels now and then. However, it was minor and mostly solved in 2-3 days.

We finally met in May this year and we found each other to be physically compatible too and continue on. We went steady officially on May 2003. After I left the states, we continued talking through the phone everyday for 2-3 to even 4 hours a day. Then she came back to Indonesia to visit me in August 2003. We again are very lovey dovey and she told me that I am the guy she has been looking for all her life.

Then in mid september, after she left Indonesia, she changed. She now says she wants a gap and that she is bored with me. I am only allowed to call her if she wanted me to. She will not pick up the phone when she is out on the weekend with her friends. She did sms when she reached home everytime and let me say good night. She used to tell me she is horny and she wants me to have phone sex with her. Now she don't anymore. Everytime I talked to her about it, she says that we are far apart and that she do not want to talk about love things anymore. She became really distracted when talking to me over the phone and she would just ignored me sometimes but she still wants me to call her twice a day, before she sleeps and after she wakes up.

this has been going on for one month. She would get annoyed and angry each time I ask about this change. She would say that nothing is going on and that I was overreacting. She told me that if she would tell me if she is not in love with me anymore and that she is a responsible person. She says she still loves me very much and that I should be patient because we are far apart, there is nothing I can do for her. I told her I need attention and she just ignore it. She says that she trusted me completely and I do not.

I admit I was a very possesive person and I was more possesive than her. But I have changed and she knew that too. She says that everything will be back to normal again but it has been two weeks since then and she is still the same cold person when I talked to her. I asked her why she doesn't tell me about her life and her activities nowadays and she told me that nothing special is going on and she is bored with telling me about her daily activities anymore and that it is the same boring thing everyday.

I am still very in love with her but sometimes her acting cold towards me and not telling me what she does leads me to think that she is cheating on me and that she is felling guilty and not dumped me and waited for me to call the relationship off. When I asked her this, again she got angry and told me not to think too much and that nothing is going on. She still cares for me very much and that she would tell me if she is not interested in me anymore.

What she says and what she do is totally different though. However, she stills wants me to call her twice a day even though the conversation is very cold. I do not know what is happening and I can't do anything. I want to trust her but sometimes her attitude is evidence enough to tell me not to. I called one of her friends that she sometimes hangout with and her friend told me that I shouldn't worry. She thinks that I am not normal for missing her and calling her constantly now and that she is training me to control myself but only a few months ago she is the one that bugs me all the time and want me to call her all the time.

I want to know what drive the 180 degree change? I am so confused. Please tell me what to do.. is she cheating on me? How do I find out? Is she lying to me? Advice
A healthy relationship is about two people who BOTH put out time and energy towards each other and who support each other. Instead, she is turning you into a trained poodle. She orders you to call her twice a day. You do. She decides whether she'll bother to pick up the phone or not and whether she'll deign to be nice to you or not. And then if you ask her what's going on, she gets upset???

Not only is this entire situation bizarre but the fact that she refuses to talk about it makes it even more bizarre. Why doesn't SHE call YOU? Why doesn't SHE do any of the work here? She is not a princess. She is not the Royal Woman. She is a half of the relationship and should be putting her fair share of effort into it. Instead she wants you to wait on her hand and foot and put up with her Whim of the Moment.

It's time for her to start being honest and to start supporting the relationship too. If this relationship is about you being a slave and her being the master ordering you around it is NOT going to last.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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