Getting my Boyfriend Back

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years and have been friends for at least 10 years before that. About a week ago he broke up with me out of the blue, I was completely shocked and off guard!

We are both in college and he said that lately he would rather spend time on homework than with me. I don't think he is adjusting to college as well as he had imagined; he wants to do everything and do it well. Although this is a quality to applaud, it appears to have driven us apart. In high school, he was involved in everything and excelled in all that he did. I think the world of him, but he needs to realize that he can't be "Big Man on Campus" the first 2 months of school! He's not the same man I knew before college; I miss the old him!

We have broken up before, and it has always been him that has dumped me...yet he always comes back and I let him. We love each other so much, and we are each other's best friend. I miss him so much, even though he's right across campus! Right now, I'm giving him time and space to cool down, but I don't know if it's working. Whenever I see him, I try and be nice and say hi or ask how he's doing...but, he refuses to talk to me or even look at me. I know he sees me and hears me say hello, but he won't respond. Why is he ignoring me? It makes me feel so horrible!

The night before he broke up with me was perfect. I fell asleep in his arms and he held me the entire night. When we woke up the next morning, he kissed my forehead, held me in his arms, and said "I love you so much, I will always love you." What is that?!? That same night when he broke up with me, he kissed me good-bye, quietly said "I love you" and left me in tears.

He's been so out of it lately that I'm starting to get worried. He doesn't listen to anyone, he almost appears to be in a daze. When people ask how he's doing, he gets overly happy and pretends like college is great... everything is just perfect! Finally, he wasn't even phased when he broke up with me. One thing you need to understand is that he is a very sensitive guy; he used to cry more than I did. He wouldn't even look at me when he broke up with me and when I made him you could see it in his eyes that there was no emotion behind them.

I miss him so much and still love him with all my heart, but he won't even look in my direction! My heart tells me that he still loves me too and that it's something else that is bothering him, he just took it out on me. (He's done that before.) How do I get my best friend back, how do I bring my boyfriend back to me?

It sounds like he's under a lot of stress, but something else to consider is that he's now in the "wild wild world" of college and is out on his own where he can re-invent himself. He may be overwhelmed with all this freedom and all these "very adult women" all around him that he's interested in. It may be that he loves you dearly - but that he is feeling a sudden college-boy desire to flirt and have fun and date like crazy. And he feels guilty about this and doesn't want you hurt by it.

I would definitely give him space and time to sort himself out. You guys were great friends and that won't go away. Hopefully he will regain his center, maybe after a month or two of that wild spirit getting out of him. MTV feeds people the idea that college is about getting drunk and wild, and maybe he feels like he needs to sow his wild oats now or "miss his chance".

In any case, be around if he wants to talk, but also keep your own friendships and life strong. You can't just turn into a zombie until he decides he's ready to talk to you again!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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