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Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. --Ursula K. LeGuin



We Weren't Meant for Each Other



Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was with my boyfriend for the past 1.5 years and we were not only in love but were best of friends. About six months ago I needed to find a job as my contract was ending and I could not stay in that country without a job that would permit me a visa. I was consumed with job applications as a foreigner and although my boyfriend was very supportive in terms of technicalities he never answered me or gave me confidence when I asked him what if nothing came up and what if I could not stay in his country.

I then found a job which granted me a visa, but was very discontent with it. I did not like my new job, but I could now be with my boyfriend for six more months. One day my boyfriend told me he would like to take his annual long holiday (which we went together the year before) the month when my visa would expire again. I told him that I was unhappy with that news as he would not even know if I would be in the country when he returns. He then said he was very unhappy for the past few months as I was very stressed trying to find a job. He told me he was tired of trying to lift my spirit up (we were not living together and were not seeing each other more than 3 days a week) He also added that, unlike me, he could not see children in his life, but could only commit to me (was a previous topic we were talking about).

The only reason I was trying hard to get a job was to get a visa to be with him. I never sensed his unhappiness. I was overly worried and unhappy when he would not answer my 'what if I need to leave the country' question. I was equally unhappy when he was expressing that he would not like children in his life although he would add that he was feeling like that now and he did not know about the future.

I told him that we should talk through things and that I would change my approach to some issues and compromise if I could understand exactly what the problem was. He did not want to cooperate. He broke up with me. After he broke up with me, as there was no reason for me to continue with an unsatisfactory job, I (although I had the visa) decided to go back to my country. When I told him that, he said he was happy for me.

We continued to see each other on a friendly basis till I left. The day I came back to my own country I received an email saying breaking up was the right decision, but his heart would rather have me there and that he loved me. We have been emailing each other ever since, gradually becoming more and more just friends...

It has been 2.5 months since we broke up and 1.5 months since I am back in my country... I am still very confused over why we could not have talked and solved things and why everything had to end up when I did not even had a chance to work on things as he did not tell me his feelings... I am also confused why he still wants to communicate with me...

I still do think about him a lot and do miss him, but could not find a way neither to get back together nor to understand and grow from it... The only thing I could say is that this is fate and it somehow had to be this way... Am I giving up too easy? or should I try to get over it? How?




RomanceClass.com Advice
It sounds like you were trying to pressure him to turn into your perfect husband, to settle down and marry you and raise a family, because it's what you wanted out of life. The fact that you kept pressing him to tell you "If you can't find a job I will marry you so you can stay" is pretty telling. That should NEVER, ever be a reason to marry! And a relationship should never be about one person pressuring the other into a decision and being upset when that decision isn't made.

Also, if you wanted kids and he didn't want kids, that should have been clear right there. Many, many people simply do not want to raise children. He is one of them. If you want kids, this isn't something you can compromise on. Undoubtedly you would have kept expecting him to change or "grow up" and want them, and if he didn't, you would have been unhappy with him and keep mentioning that you wasted your chance to be a mother. It would have destroyed your relationship.

It sounds like you guys are great as friends - but simply not meant to be life partners. You need to find someone who IS interested in a family and marriage - and you two will be very happy together. He will find someone who is NOT interested in rug-rats running around the house, and he will be completely happy. Your friendship and caring for each other will only grow in that situation, and he will share in your happiness and you in his.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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