She Wants a Family, but Lives the High Life

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost two years, but we live 2 hours from eachother. One problem is, unfortunately at this time we both live with our parents due to financial situations. At first she would spend 2 to 3 weeks at a time down here with me. Then it went to being together for 4 days once a month. This last time it was two months before I seen her and it was only for 5 days, then she left to stay with her supposed girlfriend's house she's been staying with.

She has been using this cell phone that she calls me with and brings here, she claims it's her girlfriends phone, yet whenever I call, this girl has never once answered this phone. But a couple times a guy answered and once handed my girl the phone and the other time he tried to tell me I had the wrong number.

She insists it was her friends boyfriend and swears it's this girls phone. Many things about this bother me, she calls me at or around the same time everyday, 1pm then at lunch on my cell, but when she says she'll call me back after work or my next break....she never does. Then she says she went to bed early...which she never does when we're together.

Last night I told her I loved her when she went inside the house at her "friends"...but she wouldn't say it back, after she told me earlier that days...and always has.

I am about to move out on my own again and she says that she wants to be with me forever and have a family. She says the reason she isn't with me now is because she doesn't like my mother, which I understand but I feel that if she really wants those things she said that she would sacrifice and stay here until I move out.

I have become extremely jealous over her being at this friends house and the deal with the cell phone that it has caused many fights recently. Everytime she cries alot and promises me that nothing has and will never happen with another guy. I love her more than anything and I do want to be with her forever, but these thing really bother me. Am I over reacting or letting my imagination drive me crazy. She says I'm her world, and I really want to believe her and hate doubting her love and hate that I doubt her faithfullness. Why would she lie about another man or cry her eyes out when I accuse her of cheating, if she really didin't feel like she says. I NEED HELP BAD. THANK YOU Advice
It does sound a bit suspicious with this whole cellphone and staying-with-a-friend thing. If she does really want to build a family with you, your mother is going to be an active part of that family, whether she likes it or not. She should be trying her best to get to know and worth with your mom, not avoiding her and figuring "things will miraculously improve" when you guys are together.

It sounds like she loves the ideal of living with you and raising a family - but that that is a "future dream" and that right now she's having fun being unattached and living it up. But she doesn't want to risk the future dream either, so when you accuse her of things she gets upset. She sort of wants both sides of life, the fun-single side and the someday-married-with-kids side. But of course in real life you have to choose and then work hard at whatever you have chosen.

There would be little chance of proving any of this, and if you caught her at it, she would promise not to do it again - but if you're moving out soon anyway and she will be living with you, it will all come to an end shortly anyway. There are probably 800 different ways to try to deal with this from ignoring it to confronting her and breaking up. But here is what I would do.

First, just to get it out of your system, the next time she didn't call you back in the evening, I would just drive out there. 2 hours really isn't that far at all, lots of people drive that far in the evening to go to a concert or such. See exactly what is going on. Tell her you wanted to surprise her. Maybe she's just sitting watching TV and isn't keen on phone-talking any more. Or maybe she is indeed out with someone. At least that way you would know and stop stressing about the "am I going crazy? What is she doing?" question. You would know.

Either way, you need to just say to yourself, "she's getting her last wild life out of her before we become a married couple". And in a week or two I would tell her that you two should start preparing for life together. That just moving in together would be a big shock that is always a very hard thing. That you would like to ease into it, by having her live with you now, where you are. That way you can see how you relate to each other on a day to day basis without having to deal with the rent and bills and everything else stressful that comes with a "real place". Yes, your mom is there. But your mom will ALWAYS be a part of her life, especially if you have kids! This is her chance to build a healthy relationship with her future mother-in-law. You're not talking about years here, just weeks. She needs to show that she can last weeks with you in a closed situation, enjoying being with you on a day to day basis. If she doesn't think she can do that - how can she think she can do it for years and years?

It sounds like she likes the dream of 'family and kids' but isn't ready to actually do the work that it involves yet. It's time for her to start realizing that these family happy situations don't just "happen" - they involve effort. And it's time for her to put some in.

-- from Jenn
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