Ready for Love at Age 37
Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
I'm a 37-year-old WSM. I've never been married or have had even a 'solid' relationship with any woman. My contact with the opposite sex has been only limited to 'friendship' and or 'business' relationships.
In grade school my family moved quite a bit (due to my fathers job) so I never had a chance to establish any friends at all (went to a total of 6 grade schools and 2 high schools).
In high school, I was severely injured in a pole-vaulting accident, which rendered me a paraplegic for my entire freshman year. To this day I can't even remember what I did during my entire sophomore year do to all the painkillers I was taking. After 2 years of convalescing and trying to learn to walk again. My GPA was terrible and I had to study like a maniac through my entire junior and senior years just to get my GPA high enough so I could get into a decent college, (straight A's for 4 semesters may be a snap for some but not for me!). I was stood up on prom night and had to endure all the taunts and catcalls all the way to graduation. No Dates.
In college I was attracted to a number of girls, but they in turn were NOT attracted to me in any way shape or form. I finally stopped asking for dates and just resigned myself to getting my degrees and running my software distribution business. 4 years - No dates.
Upon graduating from college 1 month later my mother had a severe stroke, which left her in a totally paralyzed state from head to toe. She had no swallowing reflex and to be fed by a 'G2' tube which had to be changed and cleaned regularly. I was appointed guardian by the courts and had to watch over her day and night. Hospice was a godsend, so I could earn a living although not very much. 2 years went by and my father had his 4th major heart attack, which left him totally immobile at the local VA hospital. Soon after I was again appointed guardian for him as well. I am now 24 years old, duel guardian over both my parents and dateless.
My days consisted of getting up at 5:00 a.m., showering, shaving and checking on my parents, seeing to their needs and waiting for Hospice to show up. When Hospice arrived, I went to work. Where I worked most of time I was very lonely. Usually I worked in offices that had few if any other workers. My job was computer security so basically I was staring into monitors all day long and sometimes nights as well, (other guys that worked with me had lives, so their significant others would not put up with the screwed up work schedules, they ended up quitting to keep their relationships). Personal calls were monitored so any outside contact was minimal at best.
I'd get home around 8:30 p.m. at night (beat from the long day and the torment of just trying to get home). Now I relieved Hospice and took over for the next 6 hours, cleaning, bathing, feeding both of my parents, and then making myself dinner, (by the way I'm an only child, no help at all other then Hospice and some Medical staff).
I finally lost my virginity at age 30 to a beautiful brunette with an hourglass figure and a soft face and brown eyes to kill for!
She felt very sorry for me but any long-term relationship was out of the question due to her cocaine habit. She went with a guy who could satisfy her need for 'nose candy' and left me after only a couple of months.
As I said before I'm now 37 years old with only a 'mercy lay' to my name. I have found it EXTREMELY HARD to relate to anyone of the opposite sex that even has idea of what I've been through.
By my age most women have had at least 2 - 5 good long-term relationships and even a couple of marriages under their belt with kids to boot.
When asked about my 'Resume' of intimate relationships, I can only answer truthfully "none to speak of"; this response usually draws immediate criticism, distrust, disbelief, getting gawked at, pity (which I hate!), or bewilderment.
I really feel as though I have missed out in life, but my love is for my family.
Any advice would be extremely appreciated!
P.S. My mother passed away about 7 years ago, and lately my father's been doing pretty well, but as my subject line states I have 'No tools for the trade' as far as relationships go.
P.P.S. I have found myself getting depressed even when I look at a beautiful woman of any kind, or when I think of sex in any way. For my 37th birthday I went to a local strip club (upscale), after only 20min I left in almost tears because I was so depressed of all the times I was rejected and humiliated in public and private.
I know it may be hard to realize this, but you are the DREAM GUY for countless thousands (if not millions) of women out there. There are many, many books on the market right now about how impossible it can be for a woman over the age of 35 to find a guy that has any interest in dating. That all guys of that age are married - or are divorced and have no interest in dating. So you, with your care for family and ability to "get done what needs to be done" are simply amazing. Any woman who would criticize you for what you have done is extremely shallow and not worthy of you.
It can be impossible to meet people at bars or just by hoping they fall out of the ether. I highly, highly recommend singing up with a dating site like match.com or one of the others. Heck, sign up with 2 or 3 of them. In your profile, explain your situation. It's not about pity. It's about understanding. Yes, women will feel sorry that you missed out on some of the fun of life - but they will also appreciate and respect the sacrifice you made for your family. You did the "right thing" and that is often a hard thing to find in our world. So while you might get some pity, you will get a lot of respect and admiration. And when you date those women, they will understand WHY you are in the situation you are in, and will treasure you for that.
Strip Clubs can be extremely demeaning so most people would praise you for your reaction. Don't even think about that. Put your story on line and I bet you will find a woman who is worthy of your strength.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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User Submitted Response from a 31-40 year old Female