Four Days after the Breakup

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
My boyfriend and I were together for 9 months. And although there were a lot of things against us, we tried and had a great time. It was my first relationship, and his too. Last week we decided to break up. We sat down and talked, rationally, calmly, but very emotionally. It was one of the most beautiful and honest conversations we ever had.

Bottom-line is he needs time to come to terms with himself (and the fact that he's gay), as he's only 20. He did ask if I couldn't wait for him, but explained that it's unfair as it could take years for him to get back to being comfortable in the relationship. (We work together and there's been a lot of teasing and taunting and such). We decided that we still wanted to be friends, and that, if things work out that way, we'll get back together again when he's ready.

I explained that I'm gonna need to not see or talk to him for a while, to heal, and he took this hard, as he assumed we could be friends right away. He still loves me, and I still love him. So we didn't see each other for three days, and today again for the first time. It hurt like hell, and we talked (just the basic hello and such.

Then we bumped into each other again. Talked a little bit more, and I gave him a hug. See, the thing is, he doesn't have anyone he can talk to. No family memebers or friends he can confide in about being gay or his heartache. So I felt that he might need a hug.

He started crying and that was really hard for me to see.

How can I help him get over the breakup, without compromising my own heart. I still love him, we both still hope to get back together, and we want to be friends.

Is it too soon (4 days) after the break up to try and be friends? He really needs someone. Advice
It can easily take you MONTHS to get over a breakup, never mind four days!! It's a HUGE burden on you to be the only person he can possibly talk to. That's not healthy in any relationship. I know it's hard to be gay, but he sort of has brought this on himself by leading a secret life. There comes a point in every human's life when they have to just accept what they are, stop hiding it from others and if people accept it, they do. This is true about being gay, being Jewish, being just about anything there is to be. Yes, some prejudices are harder than others to overcome. But if your friends and family love you, they will accept you. If they don't, they weren't worth your energy in the first place, and good riddance. Having many shallow friends is more painful than having a few, really GOOD friends.

So I would encourage him to come out to at least ONE of his friends and look for support. He needs support in his breakup, but he shouldn't put you through torment in order to get it! That's unfair. If he wants to grow and learn, now is the time to do it - when he really needs it the most. If his friends don't rally around him during a breakup, then they are not deserving to be his friends.

-- from Jenn
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