He fancies a work collegue

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
We have been married for eleven years. We have always been happy. We have both been very sincere and faithful to each other. Until recently I found out he fancies a woman at work, and he is flirting with her.

Even though I know there is nothing between them, he admits to his friends that he still thinks about her a lot.

I am devastated and really ANGRY, I feel being taken for a ride. My trust for him is shattered, I dont know how to raise this issue with him since he already suffering from stress. I do not want to make it worse for him. I love him very much but am I right to be feeling hurt and betrayed, because it could just have been a bit of office fun, with no serious consequence.

Should I confront him, or just forget it if the matter is over now. But I do not feel the same way when we are close, I wonder if he is fantacising her when with me. I am feeling very confused and withdrawn.

RomanceClass.com Advice
I know it's very hard right now, but you need to take a step back for a moment. Every one of us human beings should have a group of friends - male AND female - that we enjoy spending time with. We should flirt with and enjoy those friends! Your spouse should always be THE most important person in your life. But your spouse should never be the ONLY person in your life. To be well rounded, you should have friends of all types that you enjoy being with.

It sounds like maybe you don't have other male friends and that you have put all of your time and energy solely into your husband. Which is nice, but it's also rather limiting. You should have other hobbies, other friends, other things you like to do. You should bring a "whole person" to the relationship you shouldn't be a gecko that solely clings to this one husband and doesn't see anything else in the world.

Yes, your husband has a female friend at work that he flirts with. I'm sure most guys flirt with at least one woman at work and most women flirt with at least one guy. Flirting is a sign of affection, and hopefully all of us have someone that we spend time with that we enjoy! He doesn't sound in any way like he is minimizing *you* in all of this. If he was taking her out to dinner or neglecting you that would be one thing. But flirting is a normal part of life.

I wouldn't get jealous about co-workers. That is a pretty fruitless way to spend your emotional energy. I would find ways to remind yourself that he is your husband, he loves you and just because he has other women as friends doesn't mean he is going to abandon you! He is with you because he CHOOSES to be with you, not because you are the only woman on the planet. If he only stayed with you because he felt he had "no other choice" that would be quite sad. He stays with you EVEN THOUGH there are other choices, because he LOVES you.

If you really aren't doing other hobbies or doing things with other friends, I would also work on that. You shouldn't feel like friends are a threat to your relationship. You should feel like friends are a great way for BOTH of you to stay happy, so that your relationship is even better than before.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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