Break Up Cycle

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Where do I begin? it feels like such a whirlwind. About 2 weeks ago I told my x that I was not happy with things, I was getting tired of not going out- he was sometimes in a foul mood if he had a bad day at work.I had just finished an essay for uni and our prior conversation during the day indicated that he wanted us to go out, so I brought a change of clothes with me, anyway we ended up not going anywhere, I got mad and said it was over.

The next day he was quite hysterical about things and i felt bad, I didn't want him to suffer, so I thought ok, we can try and sort things out. Then it became this absurd power struggle over the next wk of him breaking it off with me, then I with him. The breaking point was when I found out he had been lying to me about something he said he would not do anymore. I went crazy, it was like any trust that I could have had in him was just shattered. After this he tried to come around to my place and I wasn't home, as I was feeling distraught and went to my family home. However at the time I had not severed things with him, just told him that I needed some time away from the situation.

I again, thought, ok, if he is sorry and thinks that potentially things could change I will listen. Upon calling him, he quaintly says he has decided things are not going to work out. I obviously said to him that he is extraordinarily contradictory, and that he was completely unstable, but I also was very upset as I guess I do love him,despite his inadequacies, and it is painful being rejected by him. I don't want to allow him in a couple of days to say he is sorry and then stroll back in, I consider that abusive. But I don't know if I am to blame for all of this and whether I have the strength to say no.I am tired and confused, but feel to blame. We were together 1 1/2 yrs. I need some objectivity, thanks. Advice
A relationship is about two people who are willing to stick together through thick and thin, to work out issues. Life is a rollercoaster of good times and bad. If you guys deserted each other over an issue about "going out for the night", that isn't much of a statement about your stick-with-it! It really seems like things must have been bad for a while and that you weren't talking about it or addressing it. If you were able to then descend to both of you breaking up with each other and fighting, that really does indicate it pretty seriously.

You need to have a serious, long talk. I have advice for that here -

Discuss what is REALLY wrong here. What bothers you about the relationship? What bothers him? Either you two start being honest with each other and really making a 100% commitment to working through those issues - or these random 'symptoms' are going to keep coming up - or will pull you apart completely.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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