She's Lying to Me

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Male
My long-term girlfriend of many years and I broke up ten months ago. She moved out and said she wanted be on her own. I tried to get her back, I even helped her move, gave her birthday and Valentine's presents, wrote her a 12-page letter, invitied her to posh dinners and adventure trips, and much much more.

She never said it was over forever, she said she needed time, then more time, then more time. She said I was getting better, but I still wasn't fixed and a real boyfriend should do more. Two months ago she stopped communicating with me, and I found out she slept with another guy, her co-worker. Then three weeks later she called me, we went to dinner, it was great, she cried and said that all she needs is a little more time, but she doesn't know how, she also told me her parents "were rooting for me".

I spent the last two months in a complete depressions, can't eat, can't sleep, I lost 30 pounds in under a month. When I called her a few times, she acted very strange - sometimes very rough and cold, saying it's all over, the other times - very soft and nice, saying she didn't mean it and she misses me but needs more time. I am almost sure that some of these calls happened when she was with this new guy of hers. She keeps insisting she's alone and not seeing anybody, but it's an obvious lie, some of my friend and even I myself saw them together.

When my mom came to visit me a few weeks ago, my ex-girlfriend met with us, and was very nice as if nothing happened. She even invited my mom and I to dinner at her place, and was angelic at dinner. She said she was ready to try something again in three weeks, and we even spoke about long-term future plans of where to go travelling together. But then a week later I called her to talk about our relationship, we spoke for an hour and she was cold again and said people break up all the time. And then I heard a male voice in the background - that guy was there again at 11:30 at night, but she told me she was alone. I felt very humiliated that she lied in my face and I told her that. She called me insane.

We've been together for 10 years and I know her very well. She's not a good lier and never lied to me before. However, she's a very insecure person who's trying to be nice to everybody to be accepted as a nice person. She never says no to anybody in anything and is very weak in this way.

I have told her I want her to give me a final answer in a week. I can't stand this rollercoaster of emotions anymore. I love her and want her back, but my respect and trust in her is eroding quickly. Soon there will be nothing left but anger.

Please help me answer these questions. Does she really mean she wants to be back with me at some point or she's just trying to be "nice", not realizing it hurts much more? She's gotten herself into a cirlce of lies, how's she gonna get out? I don't think she'll give me a straight answer in a week either, and once again I will be left in limbo? Will she be ever strong enought to break it up with this new guy and try something with me? Will this relationship ever work even if we get together? Should I just move on and how would I do it? I think of her every living moment and dream of her 10 times every night.

If she is willing to abandon you, lie to you and string you along like this, I really have to say that you're better off without her. There are many, many single women out there who would love to have a partner that respects honesty. If her idea of how to deal with a person - even if you're "just a friend" to her right now - is to lie blatantly and deceive you - that's not healthy. If she's willing to lie to protect herself, there's no chance she's going to decide to "stop lying" later. She'll just keep lying whenever it is convenient. I also have to say that liars rarely spring into being. It's likely that she was lying to you in the past too but you just didn't catch her at it.

Yes, it's going to take a while to get over her. If you were together for years, then give yourself many months to get her out of your system. Yes, you'll be lonely and miss her. I have lots of tips here -

But believe me, once you DO get her out of your system and find someone who you love, can trust and who is great for you, you will look back and be amazed at the difference in how you feel. Living with someone you can't trust fully eats away at you slowly, like Chinese water torture. When you instead find someone who you can trust and who loves you fully, you will feel that difference in every fiber of your body.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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