I'm Not Head Over Heels
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have recently gotten engaged. However, I fear that I am not only not in love with my fiance, but that I am in love with my ex-boyfriend. My ex and I dated for 6 months last year and I was head over heels! He was the first guy to ever break up with me. He was afraid of commitment, but after we broke up, I know he missed me and said so many times, although he would not ask to get back together. I was not about to ask him.
So, in order to try and have a "safe" or healthy relationship, I met this guy T, and after about 2 months of dating, he proposed. I so badly wanted to just be loved completely, so I said yes. He has loved me better than any other man. I want to feel the way I do for my ex, but I just don't have the respect for him. (My ex is extremely intelligent). People say love is a choice. Can't I just choose to love my fiance? I've been trying, but I keep thinking about the feelings I've had for my ex and other people. I want to feel those "in love" or feelings of admiration. But I don't know if anyone will love me as much as my current fiance.
One of the things that you realize after spending years with someone is that head-over-heels does NOT last forever. That's a hormone rush that brings people together - but what lets you last the ups and downs and rollercoasters of life is honesty, best friendship and really caring about each other. It is a *best friendship* that can survive. Those who are madly in love and full of passion tend to split right up when that passion naturally begins to fade away.
I would NOT marry someone after only 2 months, though!! It can easily take 6 months or more to really know someone. When you're in the first 2 months you're still in the courtship phase!! You barely know each other. It takes many months before you stop putting up fronts for each other, as much as you claim you aren't, and really start relating to each other as normal people that are a "part of your life" and not someone you want to impress.
I would at least put the wedding out a full year so you have time to get to know each other in a real sense. Marriage lasts your entire life - 60 years or more - which is an incredibly long time to be together after only 2 months of knowing each other.
As far as comparing guys, that NEVER works. There are always reasons to go with one or the other. You have to just decide "can I be happy with THIS GUY". Believe me, other "better" guys will ALWAYS come along. You will ALWAYS meet guys that are richer, smarter, handsomer, a better dancer, whatever. You can't go leapfrogging every time a 'better something' comes along. You dedicate yourself to someone you can get along with and who can be a support and friend to you. If you have that, the rest is transient. The other guys will come and go and flaunt their sexy or passion or twinkling eyes or whatever other features. In the end, it is the guy who cares for you and who stays by your side who is worth keeping and really staying with.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com