My Gay Friend is Making Moves on my Girl
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
i'm a guy. I have had a girlfriend for about 5 weeks, who I really love. I also have a friend who's gay. The problem I have is that my gay friend is very flirty with girls. He tends to hug my gf a lot, and kiss her on the lips when they see eachother. A few days ago, he moved to kiss her, and opened his mouth to make it look like they were gonna properly kiss (which they didn't), but then he held the back of her head and kissed her on the lips for like 5 seconds, looking serious.
Then another one of our friends took photo's of them together (like 15 photo's), and they were hugging closer and closer all the time, looking quite intimate. When I see all of this kissing and hugging it makes me feel extremely bad...i mean like a really depressed feeling, which i feel in my stomach and heart area...its difficult to describe quite how bad. I know that he's gay, but seeing them together like that still makes me feel that way...
Now I don't know if i should talk to my girlfriend about this, because she might get really annoyed / upset / feeling trapped about me feeling like this. I don't want to hurt her. But i keep on thinking about seeing them together a few days ago, hugging and kissing, and everytime i think about it i feel like crap again...
So should I talk to her about it? Am I overreacting? Do you have any other advice? I hope you have time to answer this soon, cause this is really bothering me.
Thanks for any help
It's natural to feel protective about someone you love, to see other people 'moving in' as a threat to your relationship. But one of the most important things to learn in a relationship is when jealousy is appropriate and when it is inappropriate. If you are going to be jealous any time she is anywhere near another guy, you are going to be miserable in life. A relationship is about trust, about knowing this girl will be with you and doesn't need to live in an ivory tower to maintain her caring for you.
For example, say you guys went out to a dance club. She should be able to dance with other guys! She is a wonderful person who has her own life, including male and female friends, and is appreciated for her talents. You are the MOST important person in her life - but she does have other things in her life besides you. You accept that she is a mature, free person - and that she chooses, of her own volition, to stay with you and keep you her primary concern. If the only reason she stays with you is that you lock her up and refuse to let her see any alternatives, that's completely wrong.
Now, that all being said, she equally has a responsibility to show respect to you - both in private and in public. In private that means that you guys don't yell and scream at each other - you talk out issues, resolve problems and maintain honest communication. In public, that means that she demonstrates to others that she respects her relationship with you, that she isn't treating you poorly.
Now this is definitely a "grey area" because your friend is gay. But we all know that sexuality is a gigantic grey area itself because people are gay and bi and straight and often toy with one area before settling into another ... and even then they can toy with other areas again. It's not like you are 100% one way or 100% the other way most of the time. You are somewhere along a long spectrum of choices. So WHATEVER person went up to her and started doing long, intimate kisses, it would not be right, be that person gay, straight, bi, black, white, Jewish, Christian. Because she is in a dedicated relationship with you. Her romantic thoughts should be 100% of you. And she should not be demonstrating to others that she - even playfully - has romantic feelings towards another person.
She probably felt trapped here because he was playing and she probably had no idea when he started playing that he was going to take it as far as he did. And how could she really fight against it - he was a friend, he was just having fun. But really this guy *took advantage* of her exactly for those reasons - that he felt he could. It was in many ways a "show of power" - a "Ha ha! I know this really annoys you but there's nothing you can do! I can take your girl away right in front of your face!!" That is NOT being a friend. That is being really selfish, to get a laugh at a friend's expense.
So first, in the view of 100% honesty between couples I would tell her that it bothered you. Don't say it was her fault! Say you understand it was his fault and that she really couldn't do much about it. But say that it made you feel uneasy seeing a woman you treasure being intimately handled by another man - WHATEVER his stated preferences. That you don't mind her hugging friends, or even giving friendly kisses on the cheek! But that being in a monogamous relationship is about voluntarily having limits as a sign of respect. And that what he did to her was beyond those limits, and upset you. That you two could work together to break it up more quickly next time, because you two are a TEAM that can survive whatever other people try to do to you.
And then separately I would have a talk with this "Friend". Say that he may have meant to just have fun - but that his fun was intended to make a public, romantic display with a woman who was taken. That this is not something that a friend should do, whether they be gay, straight or anything else. That the "joke" was about being romantic with a taken woman, and is inappropriate. That he was laughing about something you take seriously. Ask him to please respect you in the future by not making light of something you care about. Point out that if he really liked a movie, it would not be nice if you spent an evening ragging on it as stupid, and that in essence is the same type of disrespect.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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