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We don't love qualities, we love persons; sometimes by reason of their defects as well as of their qualities. --Jacques Maritain



He Did All the Work - Now What?



Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I met a wonderful guy that had just separated from his wife (5 months prior). We spent a lot of time together (about a month) talking about personal issues from our childhood, marriage, and divorce. I know the problems that he had in his prior marriage and felt very secure that his feelings for her were over. She was an alcoholic and he didn't know that her problem was that serious when they married (which he felt obligated to do, he says, because he was extremely close to her family) they were only married for 11 months.

I am a single mother of a little boy. We shared many things about ourselves with eachother. He made me feel like the most wonderful person in the world. Our long conversations (I have never opened up to anyone before the way I could with him), nights happily at home instead of bars, and all of the laughter we had really hooked me to this guy.

I knew in the beginning that he wasn't looking for a serious relationship so soon. After introducing him to my friends he commented that "he can't believe that he found someone he likes so much. its just too soon." I talked to him and told him that I had rather cool things off and wait for him to be ready to date someone instead of loosing him. He didn't want that.

Soon we developed an intimate relationship. He showered me with affection, bought me a dress for a wedding, always called; etc. The last weekend I spent with him was wonderful however, he didn't kiss me (not intimately). He called 3 times the next day, once the day after that and then I didn't hear from him until a week later when I finally couldn't bear it anymore and called him.

I tried not to call but the pain was too bad. I kept the tone calm, explained why it hurt me and told him that I understood when he said that he didn't want anything serious in the beginning. However, I told him that the way he treated me and the closeness I felt that we shared caused me to develop stronger feelings for him than what I had intended. He asked if he could call in a couple of days. I told him that he was welcome to but I didn't expect it. I also said one or two things that I regret saying.

I really do like him. I wish that we could start over and be friends that we were in the beginning without having an intimate relationship so that we are both of the same level and grow closer that way.

Is he a lost cause? Is there anything I can do to salvage this relationship? I have not called him again, but then again, I never called him to begin with other than a few times if I was running late. He is suppose to mail me something I left at his house soon. I would love to be able to meet him but feel this may make him move further away. Please advise!




RomanceClass.com Advice
The thing that stands out the most here is that HE was always calling you, HE bought you things, he was the person working on this! And then you worry because you sat around waiting for him to call, and he didn't, and you wondered what was wrong.

What was wrong is that all relationships are about both people supporting and maintaining and growing that love. The aren't about one person doing all the calling and the other person just hanging around waiting for the phone to ring!! YOU need to show him that you care and are willing to do your part in this relatonship. Why don't you call him each day with a friendly hello, send an email with a funny note? Get him small presents that you know he'll enjoy.

The relationship takes two people to actively keep it going. It requires two people who are great friends and who trust and care for each other. So start doing your part to maintain that friendship, to talk to him, to share with him and to be a friend to him. I have lots of tips on the site to help!

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com





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