The Father of my Child is Not There for Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been with my boyfriend for a year and three months. I am also six months pregnant with our first child. the problem is the past month he has been very distant. he hardly ever calls and never takes me out and I'm lucky if I get to see him more than once a week. I love him so much and can't stand the thought of us not being together but I just feel like I'm the only one making an effort to try to make this relationship work.
I had a feeling he was talking to someone else so I kinda snooped through his car and found a letter from a girl saying how they had messed around the weekend before and that she didn't care if he had a girlfriend that she would still mess with him. So I kept asking him about it and he denied it until I showed him the letter and then he said that they just barely kissed and he just pulled away and that he was sorry and that he didn't want to be with her, he only wanted to be with me so he called her and told her he loved and wanted to be with me so of course I took him back.
But nothing changed, he still hardly comes by and barely calls I just don't know what to do! I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough for him and now I don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again.
What do I do? I've tried to talk to him about it but all he says is that, "If he didn't wanna be with me he would of broken up with me a long time ago!" I do love him and wanna be with him but how can I get him to start acting right towards me? Or will he never change? What would you do if you were in my situation?
I know it's very, very easy to get used to a person and to want to make things work no matter what. Us women also have this habit of thinking we can "help to fix guys" if we're just really patient, understanding and helpful. But one of those nasty things in life that you learn is that some relationships are simply NOT worth the effort, because you are in essence being used. If you are doing all the work, and the other person is having a free ride, then you are going to eventually burn out. As much as you think in the first year or two that you can keep it up, after a few years of it you just can't take it any more - and now you've wasted MANY years of your life with the wrong person instead of having already found someone great that is sharing your life and love.
This is even more critical in your case because there's a young child on the way. Yes you really want the child's father to be there. But on the other hand, this is a young infant that is going to learn everything he/she knows about life, love and responsibility from how YOU TWO ACT. If what the child learns is "daddy is never around" and "daddy isn't very nice to mommy" and "Daddy is a royal jerk sometimes" then those are damaging lessons that the child can carry permanently into HIS/HER adulthood and dating.
So yes, you want things to work with this guy. But he has already proven he can and will actively lie to you to cover his own bad deeds! People do not normally just "get better" when they are caught. They normally get better at lying. Someone capable of lying to you like that and who actively wants to sleep with other women will keep having those desires and acting on them. And again, if you are trying to raise a small child to learn about life and love, those are NOT the lessons you want that child to learn and think are "normal".
So I would sit down and have a long talk with this guy. He is the father in your family and is not doing his part. If he's not INTERESTED in doing his part then there are many loyal guys out there who would love to have a loving wife and loving child and be in that picture. You DESERVE a guy who is that. You do NOT deserve a guy who makes you, the mother of his child, feel not paid attention to. Yes, the breakup will be sad and you'll feel lonely. Be prepared for that and read all the tips on my site. But believe me, after you get through those weeks or few months of sadness you will be SO much happier and you will find someone who really loves you. And after a few months with the loving guy, you will wonder how you ever lasted so long with someone who was so uncaring.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com