He's Probably Cheating, I Tried to Talk and He Refuses
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dating this guy for a little over a month, we spend lots of time together, and have been intimate. A mutual friend tells me that his ex girlfriend went to his house, they confessed how much they love each other, and he supposedly tells her he's only been seeing me for the sex.
I don't like going by the things that I've heard so i went to talk to him about it. I start by telling him that we need to talk...about somethings that I heard. He immediately gets huffy and says that he don't want to hear it. He said that I should probably not believe the things I heard, but would not talk about it with me.
What should i do to break the communication barrier to find out the facts?
Wow, talk about someone who has something to hide!! For anyone in a relationship to say "I refuse to talk to you or hear your concerns" is pretty much saying "I don't feel like working on this relationship." If you are in a relationship with someone, you should of course care about them and the things they're feeling!! I can't even imagine saying to ANYONE I love, whether he be a friend or a lover, "I know you're bothered about something. I don't want to hear it." Talk about insensitive!!
I know it's easy to think that you can fix anything on your own and MAKE something work. But one of those sad things you learn in life is that if your boyfriend is a jerk, you can't fix him. If he refuses to talk to you about things even though they are obviously problems, he is actively working to destroy your relationship. It's not like he's got a worry and is hiding it from you. That would be bad enough, but that would be passive at least. Instead, when you are actively bringing up a concern he is saying "shut up, I don't want to hear your concerns. Maybe the things I did wrong will just go away if I prevent you from talking about them."
I have an article on the site about having a serious talk -
Sit down with him and (I know this will be hard) say to him, look, I deserve to have a boyfriend who is 100% committed to ME. If that is not you, that is fine. There are many other guys out there that I could date. But if it is NOT you then for you to keep me hanging on for whatever reason is cruel and nasty. You are tricking me into being her for you because you want me "available" when instead I could be spending this time developing a real relationship with someone with whom I have a future.
Maybe that will point out to him just what a jerk he's being and that you deserve a real boyfriend, not one who thinks his sex-attentions are "enough". Who knows, maybe the threat of losing you will remind him of what he is about to lose. Maybe it will at least prod him into being open and honest with you.
But whatever the case, unless you guys talk HONESTLY your relationship is going to crumble. Relationships are 100% about honesty and trust. The fact that he is actively shutting you down when you just want to talk is a hugely negative sign about his maturity and his care for the relationship. So I really believe that the ball is in HIS court to make this work. Otherwise, tho I know you care for him, you deserve MUCH better. Believe me, in the long run when you are with a guy who really loves you, you will wonder why you put up with some of what your current boyfriend is doing to you. Assuming your current boyfriend really does step out, of course. But it really sounds like he's not there for you now.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com