My Husband is Ignoring Us
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I HAVE BEEN MARRIED TO MY HUSBAND FOR ALMOST A YEAR NOW. WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL BABY GIRL. LATELY I HAVE BEEN NOTICING THAT MY HUSBAND DOESN'T SPEND ANY OF HIS FREE TIME WITH ME NOR WITH OUR DAUGHTER. I UNDERSTAND HE WORKS IN CONTRUCTION AND HE GETS HOME LATE. THE WEEKENDS HE DOES NOT WORK. HE RATHER SPEND TIME WITH HIS FRIENDS THAN BE WITH US.
WHAT CAN I DO OR SAY FOR HIM TO CHANGE? I REALLY LOVE HIM I HAVE TRIED TO BE CALM ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE IS NEVER WITH US BUT IT IS STARTING TO GET TO ME! I HAVE EVEN TRIED TO SIT WITH HIM AND TALK TO HIM BUT ALL HE DOES IS IGNORE ME I FEEL LIKE I AM TALKING TO A WALL AND NOT HIM!
IT STARTED TO GET TO ME WHEN ALL THE PLACES I WOULD GO TO I WOULD SEE THE MEN WITH THERE FAMILIES AND MY HUSBAND OF COURSE WAS MISSING!
PLEASE HELP ME I AM AFRAID MY MARRIAGE MIGHT BE HEADING INTO DIVORCE SOON...
It sounds like his friends are single and he's enjoying that 'free bachelor' life around 'he-men' instead of treasuring time with his family. Which is silly because of course he wanted a wife and child - but now that he has them they're more like 'things to have' like a nice car or a nice house, and not actually things to spend time with. Now that he has you guys he doesn't actually have to do anything else, so he thinks.
But as you know, being a family isn't about just having people around with the titles of "husband" and "wife" so you can go to your friends and say "yeah yeah I have a spouse" like you would say "Yeah yeah I have a nice car." It's about actually caring for each other, supporting each other and helping each other grow.
The fact that he won't even listen to you when you talk to him about it seems to show that he's no longer thinking of you as that girl he loved and used to romance with. Now he's thinking of you as the Nagging Mommy that is trying to prevent him from having fun. Which is a really bad role to get stuck in. The more you nag, the more he looks at you as the nagger and not his 'fun partner' and the more he goes sulking off to his friends where he can have fun.
I have to believe that if you keep after him he's going to keep not listening. It seems to be the mode he's in. He needs to hear it from a third party. I would talk to a therapist and ask him to come in and give his side of the story. He might resist saying that a therapist isn't necessary - but if you tell him that you're very unhappy and he isn't doing his part in the relationship his choices are to start DOING his part or to help the therapy out. If he refuses both it's obvious he isn't caring about the relationship. If he does do one of those things you might make some progress. I really think the therapist would show him how much he is failing as a husband and he would pay attention if an outside person says it. His friends probably go on about how women are supposed to stay home and cook and make babies. Which is about as medieval as you can get. It's time he begin to enter the 21st century and act like a real man, a real husband, a real father. If he keeps acting like a lout, you'll easily be able to find a real man who IS a good partner to you, and an admirable father to your child.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com