We had problems, my fiance left
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
i have been engaged to my fiance for 8 months and everytime things were hard i said i wanted to leave but he talked to me and convinced me to stay cause he loves me so much.
recently however he left me 4 days ago with no warning. i know there is no other girl but hes staying with his sister for a week he said but promised he would come back. i talked to him for 2 mins the day after he left and then again he said he would come back but then his sister called and told me he told her he didnt want to talk to me (he told her that before he called me though).
Now its 4 days later and he hasent called or anything and i dont know what to take it as he still has some of his stuff here but im afraid that he'll send someone else to get it so that he dont need to talk to me cause if i talk to him i know and he knows that hell stay also i have a 4 y/o son who my b/f loves to death.
my question is how do i get the chance to plead my case to him if they wont let me call there ( we are 21 so kinda young) he has some mental problems so he is very easily persuaded and i think that his folks are telling him not to see me and he cares too much what they think to go against them.
WHAT DO I DO?
OK, there are several things going on here. First off, the basis of every relationship is trust in each other - that you fully believe that the other person is going to stick by you through thick and thin, and be completely reliable. If you were threatening to run off every time you ran into trouble, you completely undermined that. He had no faith that you DID plan on staying with him, and you should never get married in that situation. Marriage is about a life long commitment and it NEVER "fixes things". It only makes things worse, if things are bad. So he is quite right in not wanting to get married while that was going on.
On the other hand, what he should have done is really talked with you, maybe gone to a therapist or minister or someone and worked out a solution. For HIM to just run off was just as bad as what you were doing before. You guys were engaged. You had responsibility to each other to talk through issues, work through problems and solve them together. It sounds like you both were not doing this well, but there is still time to fix that.
I would find a local therapist that handles this sort of thing, and then call his sister and say that you want to go to a therapist with him. That you are engaged, and that whether you two choose to stay together or not, that you owe it to each other to talk about what happened. She can't really argue with that. You can tell his parents the same thing. They should respect that marriage is very important and that you want this to really work. And hopefully the therapist will help you both figure out better ways to deal with conflict so you can go forward together.
Yes, a therapist costs money - but you can find an inexpensive one just for a few weeks. The money you spend could easily save or break this entire relationship. Things have disintegrated so much at this point that I really doubt he'll listen to you or 'fix things' without some help.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com