Are we dating, Is she serious?

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I am in college and have a girl in my class i like very much and i see every day. So one day, i decided to as her to to come have dinner with me and shopping. I wasnt sure if this was a "date" or just us "hanging out", but we had a nice time and got to know eachother very well. Is taking someone to dinner (i payed for it) considered a date?

Anyway before i even asked her out, I wasnt sure if she was seeing someone else. Since she said yes to coming with me without hesitation, i assumed she wasnt. On the ride back home, i asked her if her two brothers and dad were the only two men in her life, and she responded "are you asking me if i have a BF"? I said sure, why not. Then my stomach turned as she told me she has been seeing this guy for 3 years now but their relationship has been long distance for the whole time. The vibe i got was that she wasnt completly seroius about this guy even though she has been seeing him for so long but im sure she still likes him. I know for sure her parents dont like this guy either. She then asked me if i was seeing anyone, and i politely said no. Anyway, what kind of advice do you have for me to "win her over"?

My other questions:
1. WHy do you think she decided to "hang out" with me?I mean, if she was real serious with this other guy, wouldnt she have refused? DO you think she "likes" me at all?

2. Do you think she knows i like her? How do i "plant the seed" in her mind that i do like her? Or have i already done that by asking her out for dinner?

3. I dont want to be too overaggresive in "winning her over". I want her to decide what kind of relationship she wants, but i also want to drop enough hints that i like her to help her decide my way. what do you think i should do? Should i do absolutely nothing or should i drop hints that i like her so she will know? thanks Advice
You need to stop thinking in black and white about relationships :) Every event you do cannot be labelled neatly as a "date" or "not date". Life and relationships are about thousands of shades of color. You guys went out and had fun. That's what it was, it was fun. It doesn't have a name. Any time you start putting names on things, you are going to have all people involved name it something different.

Girls and guys go out all the time together without it being a serious relationship thing. Undoubtedly when you, a friend, invited her to go out and have fun with her, that's exactly what she expected, and what she got.

She has been dating a guy for 3 years. If you deliberately try to cause her to break up her relationship and ditch her guy, you will be proving to her that you don't value relationships - that they should be broken on whim when something else comes along. If SHE ditches this other guy for you, it means that SHE doesn't value relationships, and if she started to date you, she'd be equally likely to drop you if someone else came along. It is a really, really bad idea to deliberately harm relationships. What goes around, comes around.

Obviously she knows you like her, you guys are spending time together! That's what liking people is all about. All relationships are founded on great friendships. That is THE most important thing two people have together - everything else is built on top of that.

So work to be her best friend. Spend time with her, have fun with her, be there for her. Be honest, be trustworthy, be caring. But do NOT push her. If you do, she will always blame you for her breakup and any time you guys have ANY fights she will bring that up, that it's all your fault that she got stuck with you. You do NOT want to be in that situation. Instead, just be there and be a great friend. If she decides on her OWN that her other relationship isn't working, and then decides that you are great for her, then that works wonderfully. But it must be HER choice without any prodding.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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