I like a girl, she's in rebound
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
I'm concerned. This girl I've had a mad crush on for a hella long time is having major issues getting over her old boyfriend, mainly because the two of them are best friends. I'm starting to get to know the guy, and he's cool and all (to me), except he keeps on stringing her along, not to the point of using her because they clearly still both have feelings for each other...but hell, just mentioning a few things I had heard about the two of them from a mutual friend made her break down and cry because she doesn't know what to do.
She's told me that she wants to just stop feeling that way about him, but how can someone realistically walk away from a romantic relationship with someone straight into a platonic relationship with that same person? It just can't work without someone feeling bad on some end somewhere.
She claims she's not interested in another romantic relationship right now because this one was all screwed up for a while as she tried to save it (long story, there's no point in elaborating), and so I don't know what to do. I care about her more in the emotional sense than in the physical sense (it's some sort of intuitive affinity, it's really hard to explain), but it definitely helps that I think she's incredibly pretty. Except I'm not sure. I'm the kind of guy who idealizes women to an extensive degree, and thus the picture I have of various women is highly skewed. But I know for sure that I'd at least like to *try* going out with her a few times to see if there's anything there.
And to be perfectly honest, even if nothing works out between us romantically, I just want her to be free of all this unnecessary doubt and worry over something that just didn't work out. She knows she has to let it go and I'm trying to help her figure out how.
Right...so I've been rambling like crazy about a whole bunch of stuff. It actually helped just to type some of it out. And any advice on any of this would be *highly* appreciated. Thanks.
OK first, all relationships have their ups and downs. So it's normal that what she had with her ex had good and bad parts, and that she still cares about him. It's also normal that she is friends with him! You're wrong when you say that is strange. I am friends with a lot of guys I used to date. It would be very ABnormal if you could love someone fully and then just turn it off and say "Ha ha I don't care about you any more."
So it's actually a GREAT sign that she still cares for her ex. It means that when she has a relationship, she really goes into it with her heart and soul. If you are lucky enough to be her next boyfriend, you will treasure that feeling and who knows, it might even last for years and years.
People can easily take months to get through the rebound on a relationship, so don't push her. Just be there, be her best friend, listen to her and care for her. When she's ready for a new start, you'll be there, waiting for her. And who knows, you may not only get a great girlfriend in her, but also a great guy best friend in her ex. That has happened many, many times in life, and it's wonderful when it does work out.
The key is not to push things - to be supportive and caring, and let things go at their own speed. I have lots of tips on the site about fun ways to be friends, so get some suggestions and have fun!
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com