We committed - then he planned to cheat
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was in a casual relationship for three months, and although it was casual we spent alot of time together and were friends before. Recently, we decided that we needed some definition in our relationship and decided to commit to each other.
Everything was going fine until one night I was in line for a bar and saw him leaving with his ex girlfriend and a friend - at midnight. I approached him and wondered what he was doing; he said that he was just getting a ride home and that he didn't know why I was so angry, but if I wanted he would stay because I just got there. Naturally I said, no, go get a ride home, I'm not going to stop you, even though I was fuming.
So then we spoke....and he goes, well, to be honest nothing happened (i.e. I didn't sleep with her), but if I didn't see you something might have. He apologized profusely, wished it didn't happen and can't provide an explanation to why it did...
My question is - he didn't cheat, but he had the intent to - he was leaving the bar and going home with his ex. Isn't this just as bad? Can I/do I forgive this and look past it? How can I get over how hurt I am? Granted, I wasn't sure how I felt about him until I realized how upset seeing him and this girl going to leave. I don't want to just let him be able to get away with treating me like this, but I do really miss him. What do I do?
On one hand, him going to clubs with other isn't a bad thing! It's very normal for people to stay friends with their ex, and it's very normal for guys to have girl friends and visa versa. So for you to be upset just because he was out having fun wasn't quite good. You should have guy friends! He should have girl friends! He should go out without you sometimes, you should go out with him sometimes.
On the other hand, a relationship is 100% about trust and honesty. You can't be worried about your partner every time he leaves the house and is out of your sight. So yes he should be out having fun with others, but for him to have been considering sleeping with his ex is way over the line. You guys had said you were monogamous. This means you are focussed on each other. If he slept with her, I doubt he would have told you. Now he's exposing you to risks of STDs and other health risks. Believe me, people get them.
If he was going to cheat on the spur of the moment, who knows what other moments will appear in his life going forward. There are ALWAYS people you meet who you are attracted to, no matter how much you love your current partner. The thing is that people who are committed RESIST those temptations. If you give in to them, you are choosing your own selfish needs over the needs of the relationship. And if you're capable of doing that once, you're capable of doing that whenever you feel it's OK.
Maybe he's just not ready for monogamy. Maybe he sort of felt pressured into it but at the first test he found he just wasn't able to say no to others. It might be wise to step back and not be monogamous any more, if he's not able to be. And if you really want monogamy, it might be better to start dating other people. Every one of us has our own view of life and what we need. If your needs and his don't line up, it's time to find someone who DOES want the same things you want.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com