I hurt our relationship, how do we get back to passionate love?
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Ok... I have been with my boyfriend for 11 months. I met him in november and moved to another city with him in january, he had a job opportunity, he is 21 i am 20. We fell crazy in love and still love each other.
The problem is when we came down here i inadvertantly confined him to the apartment. i guess i felt that since i knew no one and he had all his friends he needed to stay with me to make me feel better. this went on for about 7 months till i realized what was going on. he started treating me not as wonderful so we talked and he told me.
since then i have made everything right i do not overreact, or confine him, i mak sure we each have time to ourselves. we have fixed a lot of the problems that were there, i mean alot, we get along great now.
he of course had told me that some of the feelings he had toward me had gone away due to what i had done. but he said many of them came back. the one that did not come back was the feeling he had when we moved in together "overwhelming feeling of love" he used to do things like suprise me with candles and a little dinner the night we moved in. and he says that feeling had not came back.
It hurts me that i have made everything right and he still has not got that back. he says he is hoping it will come back because he loves me. i know it is gone because of what i did. things have only been good for about a month now. we really love each pther and are planning on buying a house within the next couple months.
my question is.. can this feeling come back.. is it normal for feelings to go away.. should we wait to see if it will... and how long if so. thank you so much for your help.
First off, it's great that you guys realized things had gone poorly and worked hard to get them working well again. That is exactly what a relationship is about - the highs and lows of life. You are ALWAYS going to hit hurdles in life and have to deal with them. The fact that you dealt with this one instead of running away is a hugely important sign that you guys can last through just about anything.
Definitely that rush-of-passion lust of new love does NOT last forever. I have information on the stages of love here -
so for him to blame you for that changing isn't exactly right. Yes, the bad parts of your relationship made you guys grow distant. But that passion would have faded no matter WHAT happened. It's normal. If people were that gung-ho 24 hours a day, 7 days a week forever, they would burn out. Instead, a slow-burning mature love sets in, something that can last decades.
I would be cautious about leaping into buying a house. Big steps like buying a house or marriage are HUGELY stressful and tend to make things worse, not better. If you guys are just healing up from an issue, you need to make sure you are truly happy again before introducing the big stresses of getting a house. See how the next few months go before starting down that path.
I'm not saying that a mature love is unromantic! There are tons of tips on my site about ways to be romantic. But it is a different, deliberate kind. It's not just an overwhelming gushing that takes you over. It's a strong, best friend thing.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com