Girlfriend has Had Enough
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
I am a 20 year old male and living with my female partner, she is 21, my story goes like this, and i'll try making it as short as possible:
at the beginning of this year i lost my father soon after new years in a traffic accident. they don't know what caused it and they said they never will. stricken with grief i was mortified 'I have no one left'. i thought as he was the only close family i had left, the rest are really, really bad people to say the least. they took control of the funeral arrangements and chose very inappropriate songs for the funeral. they made me so hurt and angry with what they had done, they even buried him when it wasn't what he wanted. i felt powerless, there was nothing i could do, and i can't help but still feel guilty that i couldn't have done more for him.
I had to move in with my partner immediately afterwards as i had nowhere to go. she took my dog with me despite her not liking dogs, as she knew how much i loved him. but now 6 months later she's saying she's had enough of me, that i'm holding her back and she cant handle me anymore.
i tried really hard to continue my studies and i've finally finished them. i've done as much as i could to help around the house, but i still lash out, i'm still hurt, i still break down when i think no ones around/awake. i love her so dearly, she says she loves me too but i'm to much for her, she said maybe in the future we will get back together, but shes all i have left.
If i have no options then i'll give her space.
my feet may be bloodied and my soul may be breaking, but at least i'll no longer be choking that sweet rose i so dearly cherish.
please help me
First, I'm sorry for your loss. It's always hard to lose a parent, especially when it seems as if there should have been so much more time for you to share with them. Are you talking to a therapist or minister or anyone else about this? You absolutely need to find someone to talk with about it. It is critically important. So put that very high on your list. There are all sorts of free options in just about every community.
I'll make a gentle comment in that area. Try to release all guilt you feel about his funeral. Absolutely your father would want you to cherish the happy memories, and he would NEVER want his funeral to hurt you. He would be quite content with anything and everything that went on at the funeral, as long as you had peace. So find a way to release those feelings. Think of him standing at your side, maybe laughing with you at the way those other people acted, and thinking it all was all right in the end. He absolutely would not want you upset about something like that. Maybe in the end he realizes that it is good to be buried, because it gives you somewhere to connect with him since he was taken so soon in your relationship.
Next, few brand new relationships could ever survive the burden currently being placed on your relationship. It sounds like you are asking your girlfriend to be a full time therapist, and few people can do that. You're forcing her to be the only thing in your life, and again few relationships can handle that either. So you need to take a step back and start this afresh.
You cannot have her as the "only thing in your life". That simply cannot work. Every person must be stable on their own and THEN find a person to complement them. So you need to get to that point.
Find a therapist or support person to start laying out a plan of action. You need to recover from your father's death, with their support. You need a plan to be able to stand on your own two feet. They can help you with all the details. Maybe you get an apartment on your own, maybe you get roommates, whatever works best. Once YOU are stable and healthy and happy, that is when you then date another person to be a fully functional partner in the relationship. That is when relationships thrive and prosper. But you need to take this step by step. Start with the first step. Get good help to guide you through this.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com