I Love Her, She Loves Someone Else
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
So I've been friends with this girl since the start of the semester. We've been hanging out after class and have been group-mates and partners in our projects. We even had an overnight stay in my house just to finish our project. We even had a chance to hang out on my birthday, and I intend to do the same to her on her birthday. She calls me her special friend and I call her my special friend too. We even sang one of my compositions and she appreciated it when I sang back-up on a song she wrote. She knows most of my favorite songs and even sings them with me. We really get along very well. We're really close, so to speak. I already admitted that I like her, but that did not affect our friendship. I even call her "my dear", and she's okay with it. She's of a different religion but it did not really matter to me. I really, really like her a lot and I even planned on courting her.
Everything went smoothly, until I discovered something. a bad timing it is. She already has a boyfriend, and I discovered it when I realized I am already falling for her.
This whole thing started when I logged in to Facebook and saw in my notifications that a guy tagged himself in one of MY pictures (with my special friend/close friend/crush). I then checked on the guy's Facebook wall and saw my crush's posts on his wall. At first I could not believe it, but as I read more and more of her posts, I felt my heart being slowly crushed and shattered. I was really hurt and I posted a Facebook status expressing how hurt I was.
I confided to one of my classmates, and she (my classmate) told me that they (my classmates) already know she (my special friend/close friend/crush) already has a boyfriend because one of her batch mates already told them. She (my classmate) then admitted that they decided not to tell me because they saw that I am happy being with her (my special friend/close friend/crush) and that I would be hurt if they did tell me.
I asked her if she's single, and she told me that she is. I even asked her about her love life, but she had no answers. What really bugged me most is that if she has a boyfriend, then why did she agree to go out with me when I asked her the second time? (The first time I asked her out was on my birthday.)
What should I do, guys? I would appreciate it if you give me advice based on your experience.
Ah, the love triangle. It's the stuff of novels, of movies, and of songs. You love her, she loves someone else. You are definitely not alone in this.
But it is certainly worth noting that she was hiding this boyfriend from you. You asked her explicit questions to make sure she was free and she indicated to you that she was. I'm not sure her boyfriend would be thrilled about this behavior. And really, it should give you pause too. If she's willing to do this to her current boyfriend, she would be willing to do this to any boyfriend. Her idea of dating someone is to play the field and see what her options are. That's not a good sign for a relationship.
But I know it's nearly impossible to hear negative things about someone you have a crush on. Somehow you think you'll be different, that she'll be loyal to you even though she's proven herself disloyal to others. Love can be like that. So if you want to ignore her issues with being honest, and being loyal, then you can take heart from the fact that she didn't brush you away with the truthful statement that she was already taken. It means she's happy to play the field with you and treat you as her "other man". In essence she's having an affair with you already. So then the question is if you're OK with being the "other man" in this relationship, and if you're willing to keep hanging around to see if eventually you can become the primary man. Just be aware that if you do take that spot, it doesn't seem likely that she'll stop seeing others.
I'd suggest weaning yourself off of her. There's heartache there. But again, I know that's hard to do when you have a crush - usually love is blind and you plow ahead hoping for your situation to be different. Best of luck!
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com