He Ignores Chores / Goes Out Instead
Visitor's Question from a 41-50 year old Female
We have a division of chores in the house, so there are certain chores which are in my boyfriend's responsibility area.
However, he won't do them. They will sit, undone, while he plays video games or goes out to play darts.
I hate to nag. However, if our dishwasher is leaking and we have had a towel under it for literally 8 months waiting for him to address it, how else do I handle it? If I step in and do it myself I get scolded for doing it incorrectly. However, to have it broken for months makes a mess of the kitchen.
How do I resolve the problem without nagging?
This is an age old problem for couples and, historically, nagging works. That's why people do it. My mother uses nagging to great effect. It just isn't fun, or very attractive.
You say this: "If I step in and do it myself I get scolded for doing it incorrectly."
When you get scolded, does the task at least get done? If you can handle being scolded a little (ie - not get too emotionally upset), then it might be a reasonable tactic for getting things fixed. I have used this method a few times, and it does work to get the man to step in and 'do it right'. If that feels too manipulative for you, then remember that there is always still nagging. ;-)
Seriously, you only have a few options:
- do it yourself and get scolded
- hire a repair person and just get it done on your own
- ignore the problem (and work on your own acceptance of the situation)
Of course, the best solution is to have an honest talk about give and take in a relationship. If you have tried this already and it does not achieve any lasting results, try having a neutral mediator in this kind of situation - someone like a counselor or clergymember. You will need to accept that you will need to compromise and make some concessions, as will he.
Maybe you can work out some kind of rewards system when things DO get fixed. Make it worth his while - if the dishwasher gets fixed, he gets to spend the next few weeks playing darts with zero complaints from you. Or he gets to buy himself a new golf club. Or you will do something for him that will make him happy, even if it's not something you especially feel like doing.
I think you will have to be creative in this situation, since the system you have right now - while sounding quite equitable - is just not working.
-- from Jill
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com