HELP!! she wants space.

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
hi im 21 years old she is 22 me and her have dated for a long time 9 years to be exact and we have two kids togetherand yes we have had our ups and downs like any other relationship. she left me twice in the past once back in 7th grade and second back in 8th grade i kinda disregard them since we were really young in short she left me the first time because she moved but she moved back a year later and we got back together the second she left because she wanted space to hangout with friends and party we got back together our freshman year of highschool and have been together since then. so things were great she got pregnant right before she moved with her family so i wasnt really able to be there for her during her first pregnancy.

and as much as i hate to admit it i went through a phase where i felt i needed to get all my childish ways out of my system before she had the baby so during that time i ignored her more than i care to admit and i regret it so much! for example when she called i would be short with her and say i was gonna go hang out with friends and get of the phone i know that damaged things because i neglected her well then our first child was born and she moved in with me and my parents things were alot better but unfortunately i was still in that phase of mine so i was still neglecting her eventually she got tired of it and gave me an ultimatum she said she was moving up north with her family and if i want to be with her i need to go and if i dont go then she would leave me so i realized that i wanted to be with her and left everything behind my friends and family to go be with her and raise our child things are great now im treating her like gold always telling her how beautiful she is and how much i love her and doing special things for her

fast foward 3 years and my second child is born everything is still good we had our arguments here and there but nothing serious and i was still treating her like gold always doing what i could to make her feel special so fast foward 2 years after my second child was born and thats where the problem arises.

she told she wanted to break up and her reason was that she loved me but wasnt sure if she was in love with me anymore i was devastated i never saw it coming i mean i never gave her a reason i always treated her good she told me it was because of the phase i went through long ago where i neglected her that made her feel this way that she never really got over it so i asked what i could do to help her she then said to give her space and time to be by herself to sort things out well i messed up at first by begging and pleading for her to not do this which pushed her away eventually i got the point and i left her alone i went to no contact only speaking with her about the kids

well i found out that a week after we had split she was talking to another guy i was furious it hurt me so bad that after 9 years being together we had only been apart a week and she was talking to someone else while i was a wreck i was so depressed i wanted her back so bad well i found out this guy she was talking to lived on the west coast while we both lived on the east coast so i know nothing physical was goin on it was all just talking on the phone and email.

plus this guy is only 18 hes just out of high school while she is 22 and im 21 i dont see how she thinks its gonna work with this guy but anyway i recently told her i cant stay here and that im moving back home to get my life straight well out of nowhere she says she wants to move with me and asked me to help her i said no ask your boyfriend to help you well she used the kids as leverage against saying that i should help her because of the kids well i agreed because i want to be near my kids so then she said that she wanted to work out our relationship and take it slow i said only if you cut off contact with this guy and she agreed so we are taking it slow

i ended up moving back home and i took our kids with me because she said she wanted alittle time by herself before she came down and we worked things out. here is where i need help she wants to take things slow and she said she wants to be exclusive to eachother but she doesnt want to be boyfriend and girlfriend and now she is saying she doesnt know when she moving down here with me and the kids so here is my question im having trouble trusting her

i feel like she is still talking to this guy behind my back and thats why she doesnt want to move here right now i feel like she is being selfish because im here with the kids by myself taking care of them by myself while she is still up north with her family doing whatever she wants without a care in the world.

i love her so much and would do anything for her i was planning on asking her to marry me this year i want her and me to be together i know she still loves and cares about me she tells me all the time she just says i need to be patient and give her time so what should i do i feel she is still talking to this guy but she denies it should i be patient and wait or move on she says she is gonna move down here to be with me and the kids but she wont say when it could be a week or month i dont know please help i dont know what to do i love her so much and i miss her how can i convince her she needs to be with me i know we are meant for eachother all she says is give it time and we will see where it goes. HELP!! Advice
All you can really do her is give her the time she is asking for. You just can't push love - and if you do make her feel trapped, she will seek out other people's company even more. If you are talking about sharing a life together, she has to want this as much as you do - and be sure of it. She sounds very unsure about everything.

If she feels a need to see someone behind your back, this really isn't a great way to start a marriage, anyway. I would give her as much space (or more) than she wants. Let her decide she misses you, or if it's just not going to work. You guys have to work this out BEFORE marriage, kids or no kids. Good luck.

-- from Jill
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