I like him, his best friend likes me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
there's this guy that i've had my eye on for about 4 months now. he's off limits to me tho, because he has a girlfriend and thats totally not cool to break them up. we talk alot tho.. like were practically best friends, well i wouldnt say best friends but were close.
im not going to be desperate and wait around for him.. because there is probably other things i'll be missing out on. and well my friends say there is nothing special about him but they dont know him like i do. he's a great guy. no wonder he has a gf.
in the last few days me and him havent been on good terms tho. we told each other that we never wanted to talk to each other again, so now its just complete silence. its so weird not talking to him, i guess its good for me right to help me get over him. but what if i dont want to get over him, i love the feelings i have for him. i've never felt this way before about a guy. and i believe some day that me and him will get the chance to go out... because u cant just get over a guy with the snap of ur fingers right? the silence is killing me tho! i hate it, now all his attention goes to his gf, and of course i understand because there a couple but it just sucks
but a bad part to all this, his best friend since like kindergarden likes me a lot, he's liked me for a year now, and i dont know what to do, it gets so awkward. and well i cant come out and tell him that i really like his best friend because well i dont wanna lose him as a friend because he's also a good guy. but now its getting to the point where i almost have to, everywhere i am he's there, and he goes to the guy i likes house just so he can go on msn and talk to me... i cant just stop the feelings i have for this guy to be wit his best friend, that wouldnt be fair, and well yah it would make him jealous if i went out with his best friend, i would be hurting all 3 of us. and in the end i'd lose both their friendships.
This sort of love triangle happens ALL the time, because groups of people have common interests and therefore all like each other. People break up with and date the people in their group, and one person likes person 2 and person 2 likes person 3 and so on. Eventually things sort themselves out so everybody is with someone they really like.
Yes, you can't just get over a guy in a snap. But on the other hand, to keep obsessing about someone who is taken is really damaging to you - because it keeps you from finding someone who IS free and can love you in return. In a way, it turns into a crush-obsession. The reason people have crushes is that they are "safe". There isn't any danger of being hurt or abandoned, because the person is already in a state that they can't date you. The longer you go on obsessing over taken people, the more you are unable to really date someone because you are less and less willing to take the risks that exist in real relationships. You don't want that to happen!!
So accept that you really like the taken guy, and who knows, maybe you always will! But also accept that the strong feelings you feel for him are NORMAL and you will of course feel them for other guys too! That he's not the only person in the world you will feel that way about. One of the main purposes of a crush is to help you learn how powerful the feelings are in a "safe way" so that when you then feel them about a guy you CAN date you aren't overwhelmed by them. You will easily feel those same strong feelings for many other guys. So don't get too wrapped up in those feelings. They are normal and you'll find them again.
If you're not interested in his best friend, then open your horizons and get out there to meet other guys. Go to hobby clubs, go to dance clubs, whereever you'll find guys who are interested in the things you're interested in. There are guys EVERYWHERE and you'll be able to find other guys that are great matches for you.
You might want to also at least THINK about this guy that is being so great for you. Sure he may not be Really Handsome or whatever else you feel a guy should be. But he obviously cares a lot about you and probably has a lot of interests in common. While that 'passion feeling' is a nice thing, it is always going to fade with time anyway. What is critical for a great relationship is a great friendship. That is what survives the ups and downs of life. So maybe this friend WOULD be a good person to date - if you looked at what a friend he actually is to you.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com