A Powerful Friendship - Can It Be More?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I met this man a little over a year ago, and ever since then, we've become really good friends, practically best friends. And I'm still, to this day his only close girl friend (according to him, he has a lot of girls, but I'm all 7 of them). We work together, or used to, but we go to church together now. I used to have a crush on him, when we first met, but it was just one of those, hey I think you're hot, crushes, so we decided not to pursue it, even though he still gave me some mixed signals.
But now, a year later, I'm starting to genuinely develop feelings for him, and I know in the past he said he didn't think we should pursue anything, but now I don't know what to do. I really enjoy our time spent together, we pray together, he's been there for me through a lot, especially when my grandfather passed away a few months ago. He plays with my hair, puts his arm around me, stuff like that when we're alone, and even in front of our friends most times too.
I know we've crossed that unspoken line of intimacy, he compliments me, tells me he misses me, there was even one night where we got a little physical, but that didn't effect our friendship at all nor cause any weirdness, as time progresses, we just become closer and closer friends.... I love it.
But I leave for the Army in 4 months, I'll be stationed abroad for 4 years and only get 30 days leave a year. I think if he acquired a girl friend, or another friend like me while I was gone I'd be devastated. He's already said he's coming to my boot camp graduation if he can get off work, and I'm really excited about that.
Part of me wants to confront him about the whole sistuation, and part of me really wants to just wait it out. All I know is I have 4 months to do somethine, or wait 4 years and see if he realizes we're more in that period of time, but the thought of only seing him when I'm home on leave is torturous. I'll miss him so much, and he likes to make light of it at times to cheer me up, he was like "Well, you're the one that doesn't want to be around me, you're the one that joined the army".... I just don't know what to do, or how to tell him how much I care about him, he knows it's a lot, but I don't think he knows how much .... What do I do?
I have to imagine he knows how strongly you feel about him, with how close your friendship is. There's rarely a need to put into words how people feel about each other. They *know* it long before they *talk* about it. The real question is if you guys should try to be monogamous for 4 years at this point, with hardly any time together.
That kind of long distance relationship would be INCREDIBLY tough even if you guys were a long-term married couple. It is the kind that easily destroys marriages. I think to build an expectation of four year monogamy would be setting yourselves up for great sadness.
You might try feeling out if he'd be willing to move out with you. Many, many guys move to be with their girls, and a fun adventure overseas would be the dream trip for many guys. Let him know you'd be really interested to have this adventure be one you share. Not that he's "following you around" - but that together you'll be exploring and learning about a new land. It would be a joint adventure. Let him roll it around in his mind and see if he'd enjoy it as much as you would.
If he really refuses to go along, then while you guys may be great friends who love each other, it's probably to keep it like that while you leave. The pressure of saying "we will be monogamous!!" could easily stress and kill your relationship - but the gentle, loving "We will always care for each other and stay in touch!!" might help it last the years and be there, as strong as ever, when you return.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com