She Moved Out, She Came Back ...

Visitor's Question from a 31-40 year old Female
I am a complete fool, I have now been with the same girl for almost 8 yrs. and married for 4 of those years. It has not always been an easy road, I understand that. But the thing now that is absolutly killing me is what is going on now.

Back in April she called me while I was on a business trip to tell me she was moving out. I was crushed, she listed many reasons why and to me none of them made sense. When I got back from the trip she moved out 4 days later, our sons stuff went with her and she started seeing this guy that was 6 yrs younger then her. My son never met the guy and I have never been told what exactly happend between them (not sure if I want to know either).

Anyways about mid June she got sick and I was there to take care of her. I didn't expect anything it is just that I cared and loved her enough to know that people make mistakes and it didn't seem like the other guy thing was more then "friendship".

She called me up a few days later and ask me to come over, our son was at grandmas and her and I had sex. I didn't ask for it, it just happend- And I didn't really know if it ment something or was just doing something. She ended up coming back home in July I was so thrilled, we had been talking with a therapist and it seemed good.

In August we went to visit her family who live in another state and it started good but ended bad. While we where in her home state she met some girl and made out with her in our hotel room while our son and I hung out at my wife's Grandma's house. I called the room to see if I could swing by and get something and she told me no. I kept asking why not and she finally fessed up. Man was I pissed, so the rest of the trip I only saw her when she came back to the room to sleep, the rest of the time she was out running around with "old" friends so out of a weeks worth of my vacation I got to hang with my wife for 3 days before she took off to do her own thing. I asked her if I could hang out with her and she told me that I wouldn't mesh with these people so it wasn't a good idea.

We came back home and talked about what happend and she apologized and said she understood. A few weeks later she went back home with our son to visit over a long weekend, when she came back she told me that I should try to get a job there because she missed her family, I said that sounds like a good idea seeing as how our son has cousins close to his age. So I started looking, a couple of days ago she tells me that her brother really needs her to come up to help him manage his business. She actually asked me to stay here while her and my son moved, that way I could be employed until I found a new job there and our house sold. I told her that was in my opinion an awful idea and I also told her that I would never take our son and do that to her so how could she ask such a thing. She then goes on to tell me how she really thinks we should get divorced because she isn't attracted to me anymore and she doesn't love me. I saw it coming from a mile away I just kept telling myself I was being too needy. But she still wants me to go up there with her because we could be good friends.

I told her just to go and that I would just stay, I feel this is the only way that I can move on and not have to listen to all the drama any more like I have been. I love her so much, I get just sick thinking about how whenever she is around me I just feel so complete and when she isn't I feel lost. i don't want my son to go but I also don't want any more fighting. Am I crazy? After everything that has happend should I just let her and my son go and hope that she someday just sends him home because it seems all she wants is to go and hang out and party all night long. The way I see it, it won't be long before she realizes without me around to tie up the loose ends taking care of him (son) is not just some walk in the park. I still don't want to lose her though, I feel like I am failing my family. Am I? Advice
If anyone is failing her family, it is your wife!! Her responsibilities involve being honest with you, supporting you emotionally, being your best friend and partner, being a good role model for your son, being dependable and trustworthy. She is failing in ALL of these situations. She sounds very immature and selfish. She runs off with other guys and girls as the whim strikes her, not caring at all how her actions affect those around her. She broke up with you over the phone! That has got to be the ULTIMATE in childish acts. It doesn't sound like she's going to change any time soon either. She is going to keep doing whatever it is that pleases her, and damage everyone around her.

Not only would I let her go and rebuild my own life, but if I were you I would look into keeping my son as well. It is VERY common for fathers to be the custodial parent. In her case, it would be VERY easy to prove that she is not taking good care of the child. Plus I doubt she is legally allowed to just move YOUR child out of state like that. If nothing else you should have fully joint custody. She can't just run out on you, run out with the child, do her own thing and abandon her child, and expect the world to revolve around her. So far you've treated her like a princess and it's time for her to encounter the real world.

So I would say yes, she is free to do what she wants to. But the child deserves a stable home. He is right now where he is comfortable and settled. It is best the child stay in that comfortable setting. If she wants to visit him, that's fine. If she wants to take him on weekends that's fine too. But if she wants to yank him out of his home full time and disrupt everybody's lives because of her newest whim, she will have to prove that that is really in the child's best interest. Because I really doubt it is. You AND that child are best making your own way, and letting her go party her way through the rest of her life.

-- from Jenn
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