She Wont Talk - How Do I Fix This?
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
i am 16 years old and i've been dating my 15 year old girl friend for nearly 6 months now. Since we've been together, i have never really known how she feels about me exactly. Without just being blunt and directly asking her how she feels about me, how can i tell from her actions what her feeling are towards me? Does she like me, really like me, love me, getting bored of me? how can i tell? Please don't tell me i'm just going to have to bite the bullet and ask.
Also during this time we've never really talked about deep or personal things, we just seem like friends who do a few extra of the physical aspects of a relationship like holding hands or kissing. We just don't seem particularly close. how do i make her feel like she can trust me with her deepest personnel problems and initate a situation in which she might tell me something like this. i don't think that the reason she is not telling me these things is because she has been hurt in a previous relatiosnhip from telling someone deeper problems that she has, as her friends have informed me that this has not happened.
Is this actually a sign as to the way she feels about me?
I'd like us to be closer, but how do i do this?
You know, a lot of women out there complain "Guys never want to talk!" But you are proof positive that at least HALF the time it's the GIRLS who do not want to talk. The poor guys are stuck there not knowing what is going on and the girls just expect the relationship to "happen". So you are definitely not alone, and it is GREAT that you realize how important talking is. You are the type of boyfriend that many girls dream about having.
Yes, it can be really tough to "force" someone to talk!! It's not like she just sprung into being as a teenager and had this problem. It is that her FAMILY for her entire life has taught her that this is the way to be. So you now have to try to counteract years and years of training, and teach her that one of the MOST important things for a boyfriend/girlfriend pair to have is total, honest, trusting communication. That is the core that helps the relationship survive all the ups and downs that life throws at us.
So you're quite right that you can't just "make" her talk. It's going to be a slow, patient effort on your part but it will be well worth it. It will require a deliberate attempt to keep fostering "talking times". Don't make a big deal about them, but at least once a week, find a way to have Quiet Time with her. Time when it's just you two alone, nothing to do, no "pressing issues". Just time to walk through the woods, or watch a sunset, or walk through a local petting zoo. Whatever it is, make sure it's somewhere that she feels comfortable talking (i.e not a library or art museum or something). And then just start talking. Tell her about your own childhood, or about a time your parents REALLY bothered you, or about other similar situations. Open up fully to her. And when you're done, ask her "Did you ever have something like that happen to you?" By sharing your own views first, and then showing interest in her life, you show her that YOU trust her and that you are interested in her background too.
She might not open up the first time. Or the second. But if you keep creating these situations that are easy-talking situations, where the 'tone is set' of 'sharing', I really think she will start to open up and realize just how much it can bring you together.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com