I Left Him - I Want Him Back Now
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I was with my ex for 3 years and lived with him for the last 2. Our relationship got very comfortable and I felt that I was bored and unhappy in it. I met someone else and he became a great friend and we talked a lot online, in person at the gym, and through texts. It made me feel guilty because I was also attracted to him. So I asked my ex for a break until I figured things out. I also told him that I thought he should be single for a little while since he had been in two 3 year relationships before me and really hadn't been single since he was 15.
He said that if that's what I wanted then okay.
We were still living together when I began hanging out with the other guy more. I did some stuff with him that I then lied to my ex about. About an hour later I told him the truth. I did not have sex with him ever, but I still lied about other stuff to try and avoid hurting him.
We have since moved out to new apartments and I have come to the realization that while I thought it was him who was not making me happy, that it was actually me. He was a great person and boyfriend. I just didn't fully appreciate him.
He knows that I love him and want him back more than anything in the world. We are in grad school together and see each other everyday.
I went home in August and he watched my dog and drove her across the country when he came back home. He then drove me back across the country with him to go back to school. I have told him how I feel and he told me that there was a good chance we could get back together but that he needs time and space and that he wants to be the one to ask me to hang out.
We have been back a month now and have probably hung out 5 times since then. We went out with his friends for his birthday and he said that he had a great time. But that he wants to continue being friends and see where it goes. He told me that he told his parents there was a chance we would get back together. He IM's me pretty much everyday and I'd say initiates about 75% of contact.
I have gotten really emotional around him on a couple of occasions and that makes him feel pressured. I just want him to know how badly I realized I messed up. He is the only real relationship I have ever been in and the only one I've ever loved.
He told me that he sees a lot of improvement in me and that I am showing him characteristics of someone he would want to spend his life with. He told me that if we got back together that it would be forever and that if we do he wants it to be for the right reasons. He also told me that he doesn't know how long it will take ... that it could be a week, a month or a year.
In the meantime he has a ton of friends. He has a lot of girl friends but they are pretty much all in relationships or married. He told me that he is jealous that I got to go out and have fun with another guy and he hasn't with another girl like that, but that he is no where near ready to be with another girl. I know his friends have tried to set him up with girls.
About 4 months prior I took "a break" with him. But I really wouldn't classify it as a break. We were still sleeping in the same bed and it was only for about 2 1/2 weeks. I took that break with him because we went home for Christmas and I didn't really miss him much and that scared me. But I realize now that it was because I had missed my family so much since I hadn't seen them in a while since we moved across the country for school. I asked him if that played a factor in his hesitation to get back with me and he admitted that it did. How does he know I won't do it again.
But I know that I never would. I know that I do not want to live without him and that I love him with ever fiber of my being. I want to be a better person for him because he stood by me when I wasn't that great of a person. And he is still there for me after everything I did to him. I know I need to give him time and space and that the situation is entirely in his hands now. It is just so hard and I don't know what else I can do to get him to come back to me. Do you have any advice??
I would guess that one of his main concerns is that you lied to him. Yes, you got bored - everyone gets bored occasionally in relationships. But your decision of what to do involved lying to him. He is worried, if your tendency is to lie about things when you hit a rough spot, what is going to stop that from happening again in the future? No life is smooth. No relationship is smooth. There are always going to be rough spots, especially if you guys get married and perhaps have kids. That tends to cause all sorts of rough spots. Will you keep lying when those happen?
You need to prove to him that you now see that lying is never a good solution. The only way a relationship survives the ups and downs of life is that the partners are fully honest with each other. They need to be "protecting each other's back" through thick and thin, through sickness and health. They face the world together. There can't be any lies.
The only way to prove to him that this is your new outlook is to do it every day. Be honest with him, be open, and be ready to accept that life isn't easy. Share your feelings with him and let him know where you stand. Ask him where HE stands and be willing to take whatever he says. The more you can build that relationship of honesty, the more he will be willing to trust you going forward.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com