I Want More Attention
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a month, but I have known him for two - brand new relationship. In the beginning, he sent me texts ALL day long. He called. Our first date was magnificent.
Now that he has me, he does none of these things. He does not text unless I text. He does not call unless I call. However, this is not what is bothering me so much.
I have had a talk with him at least twice about these things (though he swears a few days ago was the first time I brought these things to his attention), and he just refuses to compromise. I have expressed that it would make me happy if he would just send me a random text to say he loved me, or that he was thinking of me, or to ask me how my day is going thus far. And he still will not do it.
Granted, he is under a lot of stress at his job.
But... is isn't more stressful than it was when he first met me, and like I said earlier, then, he sent me tons of messages. Further, I feel that someone in love could spare five seconds in their day to say "I love you." I guess it's not that he doesn't send them. it just seems that it was drastically curtailed after we became intimate and after we decided to be exclusive.
I just don't understand how a man who claims to love me won't do something so little to make me feel loved. I don't understand it. I always send him messages or call him to check on him, just to show him I care, but if I bring that up, he accuses me of having a pissing contest with him.
When I have tried to talk to him about this on several occasions, I end up apologizing because he seems genuinely peeved that I doubt his love (and who wouldn't, I guess...) and he says things like, "No matter how hard I try, it always backfires on me..." And that just sounds so pitiful, and it makes me feel bad.
I have also tried to get my own life and stop focusing on him so much, but then I fear that if I don't work to save the relationship, it will die off because he surely won't work to save it, it seems like.
Is he not in love anymore? Am I being too demanding?
I really don't know what to do.
First, it's important to realize that it's unrealistic to expect the high-drama of first dating to continue throughout an entire relationship. No two people could maintain that high level of energy for years and years. Yes, the first weeks of dating are typically very exciting. That gentles down to a more normal level of activity. That is normal and typical.
A long term relationship shouldn't need to be about "proving" love on a daily basis. Hopefully by that point in time you both know that you love each other, and it's shown in more "real life" ways. A guy who shovels out your car so you can get out safely is showing his care for you. A guy who curls up to watch your choice of movie and not his is showing you his care.
Relationships don't die because a person doesn't pepper the other person with text messages every half hour. It dies because the people no longer have a desire to do the more concrete tending types of activities. Holding you tight after a bad day. Making you your favorite meal when you're feeling low. That sort of thing. Those are the things that really matter in life.
I would not "keep count" of who calls who or who texts who. Instead, I would pay attention to how he treats you when he's there with you, and how you treat him. Work to improve those areas. That is what really counts.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com