One Date - I'm In Love

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
i got so badly rejected by an exchange student (Note = He’s here for another 8 months)

First off i saw him around and told the other exchange guys (who were already friends with me) that I thought he was beautiful and this was on a Thursday and he was absent because he was sick and then the next day the guys tell him that I like him and he suddenly remembers my face and says to them ‘I can't believe she likes me, she’s beautiful as well!’. Then after one of my classes i see him sitting outside and the other guys pointing at me, i didn’t notice him until i walked past but when we caught eyes he looked so happy to see me (it was just a moment I felt like i was in heaven).

Anyway, one of the guys gave him my number, and I went to great heights just to get them to give it to him. After school in the evening at production rehearsal he starts texting me and we get talking and everything’s going great he asks me to go to the mall. We do on the following Monday after our first day of practice exams, we go and see a movie. While waiting we look at our Ipods and see what music interests we have in common and get to know each other and stuff like that. I gave him a hug which he seemed happy about. We went to watch a movie about a girl and guy who were struggling with a long distance relationship and it got really painful for them (kinda a coincidence in our situation) but during the film he looked at me a lot and stroked my face and eventually kissed me. Before the date he was talking about how he couldn’t wait to kiss me and how I had to teach him how to kiss cuz he said he isnt so good, he was kinda right haha. But anyway it was amazing he was holding me and smiling he looked so happy and I felt a big connection between us, you could so tell he liked me i mean before the date he was so sweet and everything and saying great things to me even though his English was quite bad.

Then I missed my bus home after the movies and he sat with me until it came (he lived far away from the mall and the area I live in) but still he waited with me until the next one came and didn’t get picked up until I had gone. He also said that later that night he didn’t wanna talk to me cuz he needed to go home have dinner and maybe watch some TV and sleep (he had an exam in the morning apparently). Then after that I texted him a lot of sweet stuff and saying how great he made me feel (I think I did this a bit too much) and he started ignoring my texts a bit but then he replied saying sorry I didn’t write back and I told him after that I didn’t believe he liked me and he said to me ‘When you do believe me text me ok?’ and I think I annoyed him a bit by saying that (but knowing me I get a little paranoid sometimes).

Anyway he said maybe Wednesday evening we could hang out and he started cutting me off when i texted him saying that he had to go and ‘work’ and stuff like that, random excuses and everything. Then come Wednesday I said to him ‘have a great day, love you’ and he replies with ‘I’m sorry but i had a girlfriend who I broke up with back home and I thought I had forgotten her that's why i went out with you but i haven't, I’m so sorry’ (he was also speaking about a break up from four months ago).

I got really upset and he said ‘please understand, i was not using you, but now that u said you love me I can’t look at u in the same way and if i talk or hang out with you again I will feel like I’m using you and I cant do it sorry’. But still i begged him not to leave me like that and to at least give me a chance (he said he didnt want a relationship cuz he wasn’t ready and he may be ready in a couple of months). I assured him that we didn’t have to be in a relationship we could just be friends but he didn’t accept that either, he also said ‘if u love me u would understand’ I told him i did understand but still i deserve a chance to at least still talk to him then he called me annoying and said that he maybe ready in a couple of months and not to stress him.

Anyway I left him alone and he said sorry again and that was the last time i heard from him. I was crying my eyes out and eventually in the evening i got angry and texted him saying 'what you did was cruel and i was so nice to u and u threw it right back in my face’ (he ignored it of course). the next day still weeping I texted saying 'hey could we please talk sometime soon please? hope you have a great day’ (i felt like i was pestering him a bit) so after that text he also ignored i decided to leave him alone.

Now it’s saturday, I’ve told other friends and exchange students about it which maybe i shouldn’t have cuz the exchange students might confront him about it. When we all go back to school and he might get angry i told everyone about it.

But back to the story I’ve been really messed up about it cuz I was really convinced we were gonna go further together and I really fell for his charm and beauty. it didn’t even sound like him when he texted that day but he comes on facebook and immediately logs off if I come on. People tell me that was his excuse for rejection or my coming onto him quickly scared him off. But i really think I deserve a chance with him, and I can see him regretting it in the near future, I kinda wish i had approached his telling me the truth in a different way but because i was so shocked i reacted in a natural way a woman would when her heart breaks. I think he still likes me because if he didn’t he wouldn’t of spared my feelings like he did, I really want him back because I feel everything was perfect and shouldn’t have ended like that, I also want to know what your theories might be and if I should just leave him alone now to decide what he wants... Advice
I think we need to review what happened here. You dated the guy one time, just once. And suddenly you were desperately in love, telling him you were in love with him, despite knowing very little about him. And you were stalking him and texting him. It's not a big surprise that he got fairly afraid of this. I would have to guess that his mention of the other girl was an excuse to get away. If he'd really cared about the other girl, he wouldn't have dated you in the first place. It was something about the interaction which really scared him off.

A healthy relationship grows after slow appreciation for each other. You get to know each other, build trust in each other, and care for each other. You launched right into full blown love after seeing a movie with him. He is rightfully nervous about that.

I would give him a lot of time and also rethink the way you approached this. Are you so desperate for love that you just lunged for the first man within reach? You want to build up your own self respect and your support circle that you do not need to grab for whatever is available. You should be happy with your world and want to take your time in deciding what man deserves to be in your world. The more content and stable you are with you have, the more you can take a healthy speed in evaluating who gets to join your world. If you get to that point, then you can approach him again and begin - slowly - to build a healthy relationship with him.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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