He's Completely Confused
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
it has been 6 months since my 15 month relationship ended. we were in love and he broke up with me because he wanted a change, he wanted to date other people etc. i understood and have tried to let go but he keeps coming back. all summer he tried to call me and i finally answered at the end of July. he told me how much he missed me and still thinks about me etc.
we got in an argument one night and i figured he wouldn't try calling again but he did a few weeks later. saying how much he wanted to see me he missed me and everything. so he came over and spent the night at my house (we did not have sex), we talked and decided to get back together but when the morning came he freaked out and said he wasn't ready but he didn't want to be just friends and he wanted to take things slow. and he just told me he wasn't ready to be with me.
over the summer he changed for the worst. all he seems to do anymore is party, he got a fake ID and last Friday i had to save him from the cops and pick him up and give him a ride home and he told me i'm the only person he can trust.
then in school he will acknowledge me sometimes and others he won't and it made me mad.
i decided to talk to him yesterday because i don't deserve an unequal friendship and i hate feeling like his safety net, like he can depend on me no matter what even if he treats me bad. i wanted to clear up us getting back together i feel like he can never tell me an honest answer, like he doesn't know or something.
yesterday he admitted to part of breaking up with me was because he didn't love me any more and i want to know why? but i know there probably isn't a reason; he just stopped. he told me he cares about me but to an extent and that he doesn't think we will ever get back together and most likely won't be friends after high school.
but the night we were together over summer in the beginning of August he said the opposite. and every time i ask he never seems sure and i hate how much he doesn't care anymore. he even told me he was lost confused and didn't know what he was doing.
WHY DID HE COME BACK SO MANY TIMES?? WHY DID HE SAY HE MISSED ME AND WANTED TO GET BACK TOGETHER BUT NOW ITS THE OPPOSITE? WHY DOES HE TREAT ME LIKE AN ACQUAINTANCE IN SCHOOL? WHAT SHOULD I DO IF HE COMES BACK AGAIN?
i cant afford this pain anymore its torture having to be told contradicting feelings all the time.
I think it's fairly clear that the guy is confused. Which is a fairly normal thing. So let's start there. He's confused. He doesn't know how he feels. Clearly he likes you. He invests a lot of time in doing things with you. At the same time, he's drawn to other people. So he doesn't know what to do.
I wouldn't necessarily blame him too much for being confused. That's a state of mind. His mind is confused and he can't really help it. So then the question is, how will you handle it.
You know he is confused. You know he's up and down, left and right. That bothers you a lot.
You can't "fix" his confusion. And neither can he, apparently.
So I would decide what you can live with. Can you live with a confused friend? Many of us do. You could accept that sometimes he'll be around, sometimes he won't, and that is OK.
If you find that bothers you too much, then you have to let him know that. You can't handle him appearing and disappearing, and you'll have to sadly part ways if that is the way he is. Wish him good luck, and then find other friends who are more reliable.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com