I Insist on Her Loving Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
I am a 21 year old student of Ancient Greek literature and Philosophy, interested in poetry, philology and chess.
I met her 13 months ago at University, last July. We are in the same class. For me it was a love from the first sight, instantaneous love. After the second we met, we spent four hours together, having a conversation about the classes. The next day we dated and spent five hours today. She had a boyfriend, her first and foremost love, being with him for three years. I pretended being her friend so as to have a reason to meet her at times. We didn't have any common interests, in music, art, cinema and so on, but it was the "chemistry" between us that made us become inseparable.
With the main difference: She treated me as her best friend, I treated her as the woman of my dreams. Meanwhile, I tried to do everything possible for me to make her realize my interest. And by saying everything possible, I mean there was nothing better for me to do.
Three months later I expressed her my feelings. Despite the fact that she had a boyfriend and I had a girlfriend, we dated almost day by day. But she was in love with him, and I was in love with her, not my girlfriend.
After four more months (I had changed two girlfriends in the meantime), she broke up with him. Some days after I again expressed my feelings and found her unwilling to be with me. Despite the fact she liked me (as far as appearance, interests, character, personality is concerned) she was unable to be my girl. She was also unwilling to break the contact with me. I thought she needed time. Time to find herself. For four months I decided to stop our contact, by any means.
In spring we contacted again and things were better. She was single for so many months. We dated again and again and again. Most of the times, she asked me to spend time with her. We talked for hours in telephone. She asked me if I had a girlfriend. I was single too.
I expressed my feelings again. She knew that I broke up with four girls after I met her, because nothing could take her place and make me feel like she did. I again met the same disgusting obtuseness, apathy. She reacted as I said "tomorrow morning the sun will rise", as she has heard nothing. Some days after she called me again to go out for a drink with her. She wanted me as a friend. I said I couldn't play the role she had set for me and that I didn't like to see her again. I also said again that I was seriously in love with her and I couldn't be a single friend because this, for so much time, was unfair, injure, for my feelings. She cried again like a little kid, as she cried when I broke up contact with her for four months. She shouted at me that he who loves, accepts the other person as it is, without labels and titles of property.
A month ago she called me again, to see how I am, she sent e mails and messages. Again she couldn't break the contact with me. But I think she is still unwilling to have a relationship with me.
I cannot understand why she is not willing to leave me alone, get out of my life, disappear, find a boyfriend. Why is she still alone? Does she need time again? Why she can't stop contacting with me?
I think it's fair to say that the only love that ever works is where both people actively want to be in a relationship with the other. One person can never "force" or "make" or "coerce" or "wear down" the other person into making it work. It just doesn't happen. So as much as you think this woman is the perfect woman for you, clearly she is NOT because she doesn't feel the same way. The perfect woman for you WILL feel you're the perfect man for her. And by spending so much time obsessing about this one woman, you easily could have lost your chance with many other women who were absolutely perfect for you, if you had just turned your gaze for a moment.
Yes, she's a good friend. And she admits she's a good friend! But for you that isn't enough, and you're trying to force her into a role she's not made for. That will never work.
You say that she's the one who's not understanding - but it sounds like she understands her feelings well and you're not listening to her. You have to accept her for who she is. You can't mold her like a piece of clay into what you want out of life.
If you're not willing to be her friend, then tell her that, and don't answer the email. I would say it's a shame to lose her completely, but if that's the only way you can move forward, then maybe that is the course you have to take.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com