Not Sure If It's Right

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
Well, to give a bit of a background, I am 24 and my boyfriend is 26. We have been best friends for about 6 years, a couple for over 2, and living together for over a year. I love him very much, but I am not sure anymore if I am in love with him. Having been friends for so long, we get along great. We rarely fight, we have a lot of fun together, we trust each other completely, we have pets together, and we have planned a life and future together.

Essentially, everything is perfect except for this: we don't seem to have any passion. We rarely have sex, and I often find myself lusting after other men. I don't want to give up everything I have with him. Nobody in my life has ever treated me so well and accepted me for who I am, flaws and all. But lately I keep thinking more and more that I want some passion in my life. Is what I am thinking normal for someone in a relationship? I've noticed that what I feel for my current boyfriend is also not as strong as I felt for my first love. The ironic part is, I'm happier in this relationship, as my first love treated me terribly and I ended up hating him.

I keep thinking that I might want to break up, but I'm also terrified of the idea of losing my boyfriend completely, as a friend and everything.

I guess my question is, is passion something that always dies out after awhile in a relationship? Will this eventually happen with anyone I'm with? What's more important, a calm, steady contentment or a passionate romance?

Thank you very much for your time! Advice
When you see young teenagers, they are climbing all over each other, trying to kiss each other every chance they get. When you see older couples in their 40s and 50s, you rarely see them climbing on top of each other. Yes, you do settle down after a while. It's like the difference between gobbling mindlessly on a giant pile of candy because it's there, or savoring a really well made chocolate mousse :)

Now that being said, you do want to have *some* level of intimacy remain in your relationship, usually, and it doesn't just "happen". You need to work to keep the relationship interested. That's why there are so many stores that sell sexy lingerie and other things. It's because often people need some ideas to keep things interesting.

So talk about your interests! Maybe he'd be interested if you tried some new things. Maybe go to a new location for a weekend. Changes of scenery, clothing, etc. can all add the spark back into life.

I definitely would advise against abandoning the relationship just because you've reached the "calm quiet happy" stage.

Good luck!

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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