He Keeps Lying, should I Believe Him?
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I've been dating a guy for 3 years and been living together for 2 years. I decided to go to graduate school this summer so I ended up moving away from our home town he was supposed to move up here as well but his job transfer didn't go through. So we were working on a long distance relationship.
In the last few weeks I have found out that he has been hiding things from me. He had gotten arrested because a female "friend" accused him of assualting her. He kept this from for 2 weeks and when confronted he said he didn't want me to worry because I needed to concentrate on my studies. But then I confronted him about sleep with this same girl and he admitted that he had gotten drunk and ended up sleeping with her. At that point I was still willing to work it out because he had told me the truth, even though it took a little prying.
But more recently I have been hearing from mutaul friend where I used to live that he has been seeing another girl on a regular basis. I confronted him with this and he said that they are just friends and she has been helping him with all the court stuff.
Well I decided to call his friend to "thank her for being such a good friend to my fiancee" she seemed a little shocked that I had called but seemed to know who I was. Then she called me back about an hour later and asked me if I was still seeing my fiancee because he had told her that we had separated and we were just friends. She then proceeds to tell me that she has been dating him for 3 months and that before her he was dating the girl who accussed him of assualt for 3 months (which was while we were still living under the same roof). When I confronted him about what she had told me he said he doesn't understand why she said those things he doesn't feel that way about her. He says he is doing nothing wrong, he goes to work everyday and is trying to clear his name from the assualt charges and when that is all over with he wants to find a new job where I am.
I don't where to believe him or not? But why would the girl call me she has nothing to gain from the situation and he has everything to gain by lying.
One of the big moral 'bridges' that most people do not cross is the bridge of lying to your partner in life. If you cross that bridge, you have destroyed a trust that can never be repaired. There is no way to prove someone is always truthful. All you can do is catch them in lies, or not catch them and not be sure if it means they did NOT lie or that they were truthful.
So he has already proven that he is quite capable of lying to protect himself, and will only admit guilt if caught. The fact that other people are now saying that he has lied about other things is really no surprise. I completely agree with you - why in the world would this other girl make up 3 months of dating, and why would the woman who is SUING him make that up too? It takes an awful lot of antagonism for someone to sue someone else, the pain in the butt scheduling of court dates, the lawyer fees, everything. So I really doubt this was a stranger or random friend that is suing him. It really sounds like he has been dating several other women and lying to you the entire time.
Obviously he's good at lying if he has gotten THREE of you women involved in his trickery!! He is NOT going to just "fix himself". He has made a living at lying to women and if he lies to you and convinces you to take him back in, it will just reinforce to him that lying can get him out of anything. I would really, strongly take this as a life lesson that you had to learn, and tell him to find a new victim to lie to. Maybe this lawsuit will teach him a lesson - but I doubt it.
In the meantime you deserve a guy you can trust and who will be loyal to you. If you take the liar back in, you will always doubt him and always be second guessing what he is up to. And I strongly believe that as much as he claims he will be "better", it won't be long before he is lying to you again and your worries will be founded. And while the past incidents have been relatively mild, when he brings home a STD and you get really ill, it won't be just "harmless lies" any more.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com