She loves me, she's not in love
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Male
Ok, here's my situation. Me and my girlfriend were together for 4 years. And in those 4 years we've had the best of times, and the worst. We've been through everything. I was her first real boyfriend.
Towards the last three months she really distanced herself from me. She was always busy with school and work. So, finally when we sat down to talk about it, she started crying and said she didnt want to hurt me but she couldn't do this anymore.
Now that we are no longer together, she still call me everyday, we still hangout on her days off, and we e-mail each other when we can't talk. She said she loves me but is no longer IN-LOVE with me, and she still wants to be bestfriends.
I am really unsure what to do. I really do beleive her, wwhen she tells me that she never wants to be close like that again, and all she wants is friendship. But is that possible, to just stop being in love with someone and be there best friend. How do i get her back? or will she comeback? I feel like she is still my girlfriend, minus all the intimacy. And everytime i bring up getting back together, she gets defensive, and says she doesn't want to talk about things like that anymore because it hurts her to reject me.
Should i back off? I am really confuzed. I really miss her and any insight on my situation would be very much appreciated.
I have to say that you deserve a far better answer than that. You guys were together for many years. To say something like "I feel Iggly but I don't feel Ziggly" is completely meaningless. Every single person has different definitions of "love" and "in love" and so on. The only way you will know what she means is if she tells you.
Obviously people who are happy don't break up. So SOMETHING was making her unhappy and she has put this "not in love" name on it. But again that is meaningless. She has to tell you WHAT she felt was missing. Was it the passion and romance? Maybe she doesn't realize it, but relationships come in stages and they naturally change over time. The passion she had at first isn't meant by nature to continue forever! I have a page on it here -
Maybe she felt things were 'getting boring' and therefore she was no longer 'in love'. But actually that meant your relationship was maturing and more serious now, when you were best friends and not wound up in the passion side of things. If she thought this was "bad" she will be in for a shock with any other relationship she goes into!
I would sit down with her - read the tips I have on how to have a serious talk with someone. And say yes it might hurt, but that part of being a mature adult that's old enough to date is being mature about ending it so both people understand and can grow. That for her to run off and say "I'm not in love any more - you figure that out for yourself" is being immature. If you can hear it, she can say it, and it's her responsibility to say it. WHAT bothered her? WHAT did she feel was missing? And in fact WHAT steps did she take IN the relationship to try to fix it before she decided to just run off? A relationship is about both people working 100% towards making things work. If she saw a problem, she should have spoken up so you both could fix it. If she didn't she's equally to blame. And now at least she should be able to TELL you, now that she's already abandoned ship like she did.
Maybe if you guys have this talk and it all gets out in the open, you can work on things and get back together again. But if you are still close and talking and like best friends that is THE key to the relationship. It really sounds like she somehow got hung up on some 'hot sex is key to a relationship' idea and decided that your friendship, while nice, wasn't what a "real love" was about. Which is the exact opposite of the truth.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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