Get it Out of our Systems

Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I met this guy, X, 2 years ago, and instantly I just fell for him. We were quite close, talking on the phone a lot and stuff. But the thing is, he asked another girl out, much to my disappointment. So when this happened, I decided that I couldn't keep feeling like this for him, and so I stopped calling and talking much to him in school. I had my own boyfriends but somehow, for the past year, we have been getting close again. I know that although we were just friends, we weren't "just friends". There was always something special between us, we were just somehow...closer, and everyone could see it.

We went to college together and my boyfriend of 8 months went to England for college. Around a month after my boyfriend left, X started telling me about how he didn't think he and his own girlfriend of 2 years were going anywhere, and that he had always liked me but somehow he didn't think it was anything serious enough to act on. I was shocked but I'd told myself that there was no way I'd give up my boyfriend for him, but soon, X changed colleges and one day I went to some classes with him. Somehow, in the middle of one class, we ended up holding hands.

So now I'm confused. I love my boyfriend. I'm really happy with him. But I'm attracted to X as well. Nothing would have happened between us if X hadn't brought it up first because although I knew there was some attraction between us, I never would have acted upon it. My boyfriend is a great guy, he is honestly the most perfect guy anyone could ask for, and we love each other so much. But my feelings for X are still there. My boyfriend knows all this, I told him because I felt so guilty. He says that he knew there would be something going on between me and X and he just wants me to think carefully and make the right choice. He just wants me to be happy, and if X will make me happy, let it be. I want so much to choose my boyfriend, but I still feel like holding hands and stuff with him.

I don't think I could just leave things like this now, it feels like there is unfinished business between me and X. X likes me, but loves his girlfriend as well. We both feel like we want something to happen between us, but yet we don't. We want more from each other than just friendship, but yet we want things to remain the way they are. Do you think it would be okay if we went out one day, helds hands, kissed..whatever, and just tried to get it out of our systems and never let it happen again? Would that be somewhat fair to everyone? I know that if I don't resolve this now, I will keep on hurting my boyfriend, and I don't want this to happen. Advice
Betraying a vow never gets anything out of your system. If anything, it crosses a line in your heart of what you are willing to do to fulfill your current desires. And believe me, as much as you feel X is unique there are ALWAYS going to be other guys out there you desire and who you feel that passionate power for. They come and go in your life. If you start sleeping with all of them to 'get them out of your system' you will just prove to yourself that you have no self control and are willing to pleasure your short-term desires instead of honor your long-term commitments.

Yes, you like two guys. It's VERY normal for people to like more than one person! Most women have at least one guy friend they enjoy being with in addition to their boyfriend/husband. But the key is to remember what a commitment is about. If you are with a boyfriend you have promised to be respectful and faithful to him. You can have other FRIENDS but to start *kissing* and *touching* them is a betrayal of that commitment you've made.

Yes it feels good to hold hands and kiss and such! And yes long distance relationships are hard for that EXACT reason - that you are not getting those needs met by your boyfriend. But either you honor the relationship you're in or you let your boyfriend find someone who will. Cheating on your boyfriend will never "make things better". They will just emphasize that your self control is missing, that you place short term physical pleasure over the relationship you are in. And that will destroy ANY relationship you are in, whether it's long distance or a boyfriend you live with. Because if you are ever able to justify short-term personal pleasure over the respect of the relationship, you become a woman that no man would want to date seriously.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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