I'm Jealous about Everything
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been with my man for a year and a half now. Previous to meeting him I was very jealous of a lot of people and things. Jealous when friends spent lots of time with other friends and jealous of couples on the bus and jealous of people who could do things I couldn't. Most wasn't so bad that it caused problems as I knew it was all to do with me being silly and I never told anyone.
When I was 17 I had a long term relationship with a guy who cared very much about me but didnt love me the way I loved him. He moved to the other side of the country and I got worse. I was angry with him and jealous of everyone he spent time with, even his dogs.
After 2 years we broke up. A year and a half ago I met my new man. I immediately trusted him and felt comfortable and safe around him. Our relationship was and and still is very strong. I know he loves me without him saying it, I know he wouldn't cheat on me and I know that the way he feels now, he wouldnt leave me for anyone else. At the beginning, out of habit I think, I was uncomfortable with his exes, but he has many female friends and I was not jealous of any of them. Coincidentally he moved to the other side of the country too (to the same place) about 6-8 months after we started going out and as a result, a couple of months ago my jealousy returned.
Now I am jealous of everyone he spends time with in his home town, males and females. The other day I found myself resenting his cat because it sleeps on the end of his bed. He doesn't know its this silly, just that I'm afraid he'll realise having a partner nearby might be easier and nicer than being with one far away, no matter how much he loves me. We always talk about everything and its great but my paranoia is going to cause us huge problems if I don't fix myself. It already is. I know he is going to see his friend on the weekend but when he told me he just said he was seeing friends. It may be a tiny thing, but he always tells me everything, right down to what he had for breakfast so deliberately not telling me about B is a sign I've already caused a rift. I'm pretty certain he is hiding this from me because of my paranoia and not because he fancies her.
I don't want this to get worse. I can't talk to him about it because I already have and it's just going to get worse if I talk about it all the time. I know we are a good strong couple and very well suited to one another. My paranoia disappears when he is here, even when he is alone with female friends so its all just the distance.
Please help and advise me on what I should do. We cannot remove the distance so cannot solve it that way but I can't keep being like this. I know he loves me so why cant I just be ok with him living away? It's making me miserable. It's a constant circle as the more paranoid I get the more I worry I will end up driving him away. I love him enough that I want him to be happy, whether I'm there or not. I know we genuinely work so why am I jealous? How do I stop?
Jealousy is closely related with insecurity - you're somehow feeling that you're not good enough and that when he gets the chance and/or "realizes it" that you'll be left alone. If it's gotten so bad that you're jealous of his pets then you really need to take action.
I'd find some local support groups that deal with this sort of thing. People you can talk with in person. I would invest serious attention to it. Yes it might not SEEM as destructive as say alcoholism but if you read the posts on this board thousands of relationships have been destroyed solely by jealousy. Perfectly sound relationships were shattered apart merely because of jealousy. It is an incredibly powerful force of nature. It needs to be gotten under control.
Take it seriously. Take steps to work on it. Get help. You need to do this soon, before it really does destroy this connection with this man you love.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com