I Mistreat Him Regularly - Why is he Distant?

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
I'm 17 1/2,the guy i love, or loved, is a yr older. I've had a crush on him for 2 yrs, which later developed into love. I tried everything 2 turn it into a relationship, but no luck. first the guy seemed shy enuf 2 take the 1st step, so i decided 2 b the one, he didnt show up. then i tried 2 get closer 2 him, i think i did get close 2 him, we used 2 chat a lil. We meet once in max 10 days ,not the both of us but our families do. but basically, i had no luck. sometimes he seemed like he liked me back too but sometimes he acted completely strange.

he and his family were at our house on my b'day, the WHOLE family, each and every person, wished me except him. i waited till the last min ,but he didnt. he came across me a hundred times, but didnt wish. so i deliberately started ignoring him. he caught a hint i was ignoring him.

one day, there was a fest at my sis' colg and all the other colgs went there too. so did both of our colgs. i was chatting with my friends, he was somewhere nearby when one of my friend's brothers came and talked 2 us. he just saw a guy talking 2 us. he got pissed, jealous or dunno waht,he told my sis i was with a bunch of guys the whole time. its an issue here if we talk to guys. so my sis talked to me rudely, then his sis and bro started giving me instructions too. even when i explained to him that it was my friend's bro and i was just talking to her. i texted him the other day asking when i was standing with a bunch of guys, he said he never saw me that day, a white lie, all of his friends saw me that day too, even his best friend who knows me. SO i kept ignoring him.

Then came his bday, i didnt wish him, nor did i go to their place that day. So he knew i'm ignoring him. days followed, no talk. then he started making a little contact with me, i didnt respond.

we had a family picnic one day, he just arrived so was meeting everyone through my closest cousin, my age, shook hands with him and said hi. so he came n offered a handshake 2 me too. i turned away but since the whole family was there, just barely touched his fingers n said hi turning the opp side. he never comments on any family members' facebook statuses, but did on mine. i completely ignored his comment. it went on like this, although he didnt try much later.

i got my results a month back and clearly didnt get what i expected and what i prepared for. i was really upset. but here, we get 2 write improvements in 11th grade. so i have another chance. but when i opened my books after a month, i cudnt read at all. i was going into depression. i really needed help or i wud'hv been in depression. I felt he could get me outta this. So i msgd him saying i need help. he said tell me, i told him abt it, i didnt get a reply so i msgd again looks lyk ur busy, catch ya later thn. he replied nope m not busy, going 2 sleep,tell me abt it i'll read the msg in the morning if possible. this clearly meant he didnt wanna reply or talk 2 me. i said thnx bt tht was so polite of u, at least now i know i cudnt rely on u whn in need. that was all we talked.

tht moment,i felt heartbroken,i've been trying on him since more thn a yr n he never was clear .evn if i wasnt talkin 2 him b4, the moment he needed help, i was there, i never said no. and the time i needed him, he never was. so my bff made me realize he's not worth getting hurt so many times. he didnt deserve my love. I think i finally got over him, but a part of me, a very little part, doesnt wanna accept it. i just saw a few family albums, when i first saw his pics, i turned the pages away quickly. n didnt wanna look again. but later, when i saw pics of him n me together, i looked at em 4 a lil longer. i really wanna move on, but i think i'm still into him. but i dnt want to, i wanna forget he was the love of my life.

Will my feeling take time 2 heal n thts y m still stuck on him or m i really stuck on him? if i'm still stuck on him ,wht do i do? if m not stuck, should i make him realize wht he jus lost? should i confess of my post feelings 4 him n how i feel abt him now? or should i just be quiet?

RomanceClass.com Advice
Wow, I think there are a lot of issues here.

First off, the poor guy comes out to your birthday party and maybe he thinks he said happy birthday to you. But you didn't hear it so instead of just gently saying "I want you to wish me a happy birthday" you go on a rampage of tormenting him and abusing him for months on end. Including treating HIM poorly at his birthday - which is the complete opposite of helpful! You are trying to demonstrate to him what you want out of life. Instead you demonstrate to him what you do NOT want out of life. How in the world is he supposed to learn and grow from that?

You're repeatedly rude and cruel to him, and then out of the blue you write him and say you're sad. Apparently in the middle of the night. The guy is exhausted and says he'll work with it tomorrow. And now you're furious at him because he doesn't leap after all this bad treatment. Good for him for wanting to think about this for a while! You should be encouraging him and nurturing him. Instead you are abusing him and expecting him to jump right back in for more.

If you really want this guy in your life, then it's time to take a serious look at the way you've been treating him, and wonder if you would have been happy being treated like that. We should always treat others the way we ourselves want to be treated.

-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com

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