My First Love - but a Jerk to Others

Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
Its a case of young love. there is this guy that i fell in love and have you ever sat and prayed for that one person who fits so perfectly in your heart... i did. we dated on and off for a year. He is my best friend he knows me better than any one. i brought him to Christ and we share God together. he is my everything.

but over the summer our schedules conflicted and we never saw each other so we said it was over... but we still felt for each other... i started to date one of my friends who was his also... i was so oblivious to the pain i caused him that he still loved me and i feel so bad now because for four months i hid the fact that i was in love with him...

i finally told him and then i found out that he was dating this girl who is nothing like me. he treats her so bad and he never treated me like that and he acts though he still loves me but i told him i will do what it takes and i told him i was sorry and maybe i deserve this to a certain extent but their relationship is so shakey because his girl friend is so jealous of me. it is funny she asked him if he still loved me and he straight up said shut up and walked away.

what does that mean.? i am so confused. i prayed about it and i feel as though i should show him how much he does mean to me... its hard. i can be in the perfect mood one moment and i see them and break down. i cant quit thinking about him. i have to get him back. he is my best friend and my first love. Advice
There's a saying that is very important here. It is "Judge someone not by how they treat their friends - but by how they treat the waiter." The lesson is that how a person treats the random people they meet in life is really important, because they may be in fact 'using' their friends to get things out of them. If they are nice to people they "have to be" and mean to others, it's a strong sign that they just aren't nice as their "real personality".

Yes, your guy was nice to you - but look at how he's treating the other girl!! He tells her to SHUT UP???? That is incredibly nasty and rude for anyone to do. She has a right to know how he feels about you. For him to just shut her down is a really important indication of what he is like, really, as a person. Yes, he sweet talks you and is nice to you. That is what courtship is all about - it is about putting on a false front to get an objective. But how someone acts with a 'non object of conquest' is far more important. And the fact that he can abuse this woman who SHOULD at least have his respect is very upsetting.

If you are religious then you know how incredibly bad obsession is. You should NOT be obsessed with another person. It is unhealthy in so many ways. You should be a balanced person who LOVES another person but who is not fully consumed by that. You have lost that balance and not only that but you've lost it for someone who apparently does not deserve it.

You need to take some steps back here. If it was *meant to be* with this guy, it will happen even if you are patient. So take a break from him. Make sure you are happy with YOURSELF, happy on your own, do things you enjoy. Spend time with your friends. Make sure you are TRULY happy with yourself without him being around. After a few weeks, you can start being friends with him AND WITH HER. They are a PARTNERSHIP and to be friends with one is to be friends with the other. Spend time with both of them and enjoy their presence. But if you do ANYTHING to try to break them up, you will be violating their commitment to each other and disrespecting him and the vows he made.

Maybe he will do some maturing and will eventually be worthy of your love. But he is NOT right now and you need to take a break to shake off this obsession. An obsessive girlfriend is NEVER a good girlfriend.

-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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