My Ex Won't Date Me Again

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Male
My ex and I have been hanging out a lot recently, and I have realized that I still have feelings for her. So I asked her friend if she knew if she liked anyone (hopefully me). Her friend said she didn't know and she would ask for me.

Turns out her friend just straight up told her my plans of asking her out. I caught wind of this and and went to my ex to apologize for being stupid (liking her). I told her i knew the answer was basically no.

She responds with this:

"I have dated so many d-bags lately that i have become such a b*tch when it comes to guys. i end up hurting them before they can hurt me, and i dont wanna hurt you."

I thought this was a BS excuse and called her on it, telling her to give it to me straight. She then says, "i like you, but not enough to hurt you." Still, this is confusing and gets me nowhere. I finally told her to repeat after me and say, "i do not like you like that anymore."

She eventually (and quietly) spit that sentence out and I dropped the conversation.

My question is this, now I realize telling her to repeat after me was a bad idea. But, was there any sign in her words that I still had a chance. Was she saying she liked me, but didn't want to hurt me because it was inevitable and she didn't want to lose me as a friend? Or was she just being nice and blaming herself so as to spare my "feelings."

Is there anywhere I can go from here, or should I just drop it altogether?

Please, I need some help. Advice
First, definitely it was not a good thing for you to force her to parrot back a line in regards to her feelings. That right there seems to indicate there's a lack of communication between you two. If you want to hear what she thinks, you should build a trust with her so she TELLS you what she thinks. You should never force her to "repeat after me".

She was trying to tell you how she felt! Your response was to dismiss it fairly rudely. That should never be an approach to take. Instead, try listening to her words and working hard to understand them. She was telling you that she feels cranky and hostile. She is worried about hurting others while she feels cranky and hostile.

Your response should be to validate that you are hearing her words! Say something like "Wow, I am surprised that you feel like you're being hostile with guys you are with. That must be hard, to feel like you are presenting such a prickly face to people. Why do you think you feel so grumpy? You just assume they will be d-bags and that it's better to be on the defensive?" Not necessarily those words, but the point is that she's revealing something to you. Show her you're listening and that you care. And that is how you get into the relationship.


-- from Lisa
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