How to deal with my jealousy?
Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
Hi well I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and 3 months. I've learned while being with him that I'm very jealous but I've always told him it's because of all my past boyfriends have cheated. I'm not jealous if he looks at a another girl but if he looks way to long i mean constantly look back at another girl i get jealous ( i have to admit he's never done this before) But I get extremely jealous if he talks seriously to another girl and is playful with another girl. Why? because it's something he does with me and don't want him to do so with another person.
Now 2 months ago he changed classes and there's a girl there. First he starts talking about the girl and mentions that she waxes now i found it to be an odd conversation to have with a classmate he just met. I got jealous but didn't start being really jealous until i saw this girl. Because he told me she was weird and that she wasn't pretty . Well she's not weird nor not pretty she's very pretty and down to where EVEN I like her.
Now we fought a lot for about 4 months and then we broke up the day he went to her house with a study group to study. A few hours after that a guy told me that my boyfriend didn't know how he felt towards this girl. he didn't deny it. but when we got back together he did deny. now i since he's not the one to tell me what he felt i can't trust him. his excuse is that we were on shaky grounds and that if he told me it would have been worse for the relationship.
I want to know how to deal with the jealousy now because he chose me and it's not like he cheated or is about to but i'm pushing him away and i want to know the best way to deal with this.
It's good that you realize how dangerous your jealousy is. It's natural for guys and girls to have other friends and you need to be comfortable with that. If you are fighting with your guy all the time, then that right there is going to destroy the relationship, never mind being jealous on top of that. People stay with people they enjoy being with. If the relationship is only about fighting and jealousy, why would someone stay? Wouldn't pretty much anybody be thinking about what their other options might be?
Your job in a relationship is to help the relationship be as happy as it can be. If your task instead is to be in fights, that is going to quickly end the relationship.
Sure he didn't know how he felt about the girl. I'm not sure why you are contesting that. People get very confused when the person they do want to be with is tormenting them, and someone else is around who seems like a nice choice. Sure, this other girl seemed appealing. It's very natural. To ask him now to quantify his exact feelings about the other girl makes no sense. He was confused. You guys were fighting. Now hopefully you are NOT fighting and that confusion is in the past. All that matters is how he feels NOW.
You need to learn to accept that he is going to have female friends, and heck, they might talk seriously! That is what life is about. You need to learn to trust him, and to build a strong, healthy relationship. If your relationship is about enjoying life and having fun and following a path together, there's nothing that can stop you. If it's about fighting and suspicion and second-guessing, then that is the type of stuff that causes chasms that destroys the connection.
We do have a whole ebook on the topic of overcoming jealousy but if you want to take on the task without that kind of guide, post in the forums and we can get you started.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com
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