I'm Jealous about his Ex - My Female Friend
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
About six months ago I met my boyfriend. I know what i feel for him is love and compassion. But I cannot seem to get over the fact that he went out with one of my friends right before we dated and was heartbroken by her.
Right before we dated, he dated one of my friends and I saw them together. If I did not see every intimate situation then I heard about every single intimate detail. I saw how they held each other, basically I saw almost every aspect of their relationship.
I cannot get the mental pictures out of my head, it is eating me up inside and I do not know how to deal with it. I love him, I do. We've shared so much together, I've never had a relationship like this. I do not want to let him go, but I cannot cope with this distress of that past relationship. He continues to try and convince me of his love, but I cannot forget that past relationship.
How can I deal with this? Recently I broke up with him and I feel a cloud of sadness on my shoulders. I cannot live without him but i cannot live with that past relationship either. How can I forget? How do I stop comparing my relationship to his past one? How do I learn to deal with those mental pictues that are embedded in my head? We say that fate brought us together, but I cannot seem to grasp the concept of why fate brought us together in that way.
You definitely have a severe case of jealousy going and it can EASILY destroy your relationship. First, you should know that it is REALLY REALLY common for people to date the exs of their friends. So it's not like you are the only person to ever go through this. Friends are friends because they all have common interests. They tend to date people that have those same interests. So it happens all the time that friends break up and date their friends' exs and that everybody ends up dating everybody.
Most people accept that past with a smile, knowing that it's a part of life. But you have become obsessed with your ex's past. Would it make it any easier if he had dated someone you didn't know, but you still had seen them doing all those things together? Or would the fact that he was not an emotionless robot fresh from the factory bother you - that he had "touched another girl" on his path to you?
We are ALL people with pasts, with people we have loved and cared for in our past. That is what makes us special, unique individuals. The people your boyfriend cared for in his past are what MAKE him the way he is today, the way you love. If he hadn't dated her, he might never have met you, nor would he have appreciated you when he did meet you! So she PREPARED him for his relationship with you.
Read my information on jealousy here -
and really work on it seriously. Talk to a minister or school guidance person if you need further help with it. But you must REALLY get this jealousy under control or it will destroy any relationship you try to get into.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com