Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Male
Okay, this is my first time writing about an issue with my current gf. I kinda need to vent and get a little feedback.
My gf and ive dated for more than 2 years. In this time, we've (actually SHE) has had the same problems. She doesnt talk, she doesnt open up, she's needy, shes immature.
Physically, she acts like, we arent dating. No pda's and she can put up that attitude EVEN WHEN WE ARE ALONE. She doesnt like trying anything new in bed, isnt good at all, lacks passion, confidence and ability.
For YEARS ive been trying to help her open up, get confident, because all our issues link back to the same core ones she has. So far. no go. Her parents treat me like cr*p, viciously as of late, and i dont do anything wrong. I hang out with the family alot, shes always home on time, i dont lie, i dont party. Ive been a model citizen. But they hate me. I get yelled at and mistreated and she says NOTHING to help, she doesnt stick up for me. She bails on me all the time and im left as the bad guy.
Ive put up with this because i care about her, and im a patient guy. She recently REALLY bailed on me in a huge way, and has severely damaged my confidence and trust in her.
My life, in short, is a pretty big mess. Cant get into my field right now. Sh*t job is just a scratch on the surface. I have a severe case of depression along with my own issues, and i realize that i do need some form of help. But i cant afford therapy. Each day is pretty much a nightmare cuz of my situation. I deal with psycho amounts of stress, followed by massive failure despite my best efforts in life. Getting terrorized by my own father as well doesnt help.
So each day i take it, i put on a fake smile, i go to work, i deal with ALL THIS SH*T, i give people MY TIME AND ENERGY AND PUT MY NEEDS ASIDE, and then i go to sleep...i sleep alot actually...its the only thing that keeps me sane...being powered down 10 hours a day.
I dont drink, do drugs, and have refused to fall into any fake escape through an addiction. In short, my sanity is hanging on by a thin thread.
My gf knows of my problems, she's actually caused some of them. I dont throw my problems on her. But she has no problem chucking more MY WAY.
She has also some very disturbing things that make me think, she doesnt really care. Oh she wants to, but she doesnt follow through. Like, she wants to move in together, didnt follow through. She wants us to have a life together, but cant even talk to me. She wants to work towards common goals, but doesnt put the effort. She claims she cares about my physical well being, BUT WHEN I HAD A MASSIVE FEVER, SHE GOT UP TO LEAVE without even getting me an ice pack.NICE!
All in all she is just, a really, nice, girl.
Not a great person. This isnt really a relationship.
To throw more on top, i am under so much stress right now, its affecting me horribly. Mentally- im paranoid of everything & physically- ive lost 15 pounds in 1 year, am sick all the time and its costing me IN BED.
In fact despite us going above and beyond the requirements to have safe sex, im terrified, the thought of me ever having a girl pregnant at this stage in my life is enough to have me break down into a quivering mass, knowing that, my life, really REALLY couldnt take that right now. Even though deep down i know we are more than safe. But im trying to enjoy the little i can so taking sex out of the mix would just be another loss.
My gf knows of these issues yet today sent me a great little text "you know if we ever had kids one day"...and i kinda, snapped. I am stunned she could be so thoughtless, careless, insensitve and dumb. Not just about the last thing, but it all.
And i dont know what to do. Because i dont have much going for me, im a mess, and being down a gf, with a mess of a life, mind and body, no confidence in ANYTHING doesnt sound like id find another companion any time soon.
AND I CANT YELL AT HER or tell her off cuz then she breaks down like a little wimp and doesnt ever want to talk about anything!!!!!!!!!! She has NO BACKBONE, she doesnt stick up for me ever or help me, ever. And i cant even give her a kick in the *ss that she needs to grow up.
WTF do i do?
I think the first thing I want to say to you is how remarkable it is that you don't smoke, drink or do drugs, so give yourself a big pat on the back for that much! Most guys in your situation would be hitting the bottle big time. Now this shows me that you have a good deal in inner strength so lets put that to good use here. I'd like for you to go back and reread what you wrote. You begin by telling me about 10 things that's wrong with her, she doesn't talk, she doesn't open up, she is immature. She lacks passion, confidence and ability in bed. She allows her family to treat you badly and doesn't stick up for you. She doesn't follow through with plans you make together and she has no backbone. Then in one sentence you say one good thing about her, she's a nice girl, followed with, not a great person. You then acknowledge that what you have isn't a relationship. She isn't going to miraculously become the perfect girlfriend. She is what she is and either you accept her or get out. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? Do you want to bring children into this? At least you're an adult and have some coping skills. Kids don't. They depend on the parents to provide them with an environment where they don't have to cope with anything. If you continue to have sex with this girl, she might end up pregnant.
You're literally pulling the covers up over your head and hoping you can just sleep your life away. I think you have too much going for you to let that happen. Can you please just make a list of the good things in you life? Do you have a supportive family or friends?
I agree that you do need some sort of therapy. You can contact your local Mental Health Clinic and they can provide you with a sliding scale for payment. If all else fails you can just go to an Emergency Room and tell them that you need help. They can refer you the proper agency. You don't have to through this alone. You took a big step just by writing this. Now take the next step by working on removing this toxic girl from your life. Also, I don't know what your chosen field of work is that you can't get into right now, but maybe if you get your life straight, you can focus your energy on pursuing your dream job. I wish you the very best of luck.
-- from Jill
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com