He is Using Me
Visitor's Question from a 21-30 year old Female
I have been dating this guy for a year and half, well living and officially being in a serious relationship I will say. At first he was the most caring,loving, passionate, fun, outgoing guy. Every girls dream type of guy. We use to love to spend every second together. We hung out with a few couples which was fun but the other couples use to fight all the time and the guys cheated on the girls and use to get violent. My bf and I used to leave when the fights broke out and he would say omg why the hell would a guy do that to a women. He would be very upset and we wouldn't go back for weeks. It got to the point where we stopped going because of the drama.
7 months went since we hung out with the few friends we had, his guy friends the same violent and disrespectful guys who treated the gf's like shit started coming around again and they started hanging out more and more. After a few times of hanging out with the guys my bf would come home and and start asking questions and get upset for no reason so I told him eventually that he is starting to act like them and if he was going to come home and treat me like shit then he shouldn't hangout with them. He got mad and said your the reason why I didn't even talk to or hang out with anyone in months and every now and then its fine for me to hangout. He didn't see that he was treating me differently.
He kept hanging out with his friends once a week or more things did a 360 for us. He started going off on me about things that I guess he made up in his head. Like he would say that I am cheating but I just sat at home, he started calling me out my name, he would sleep all day and eat everything in the house, make a huge mess and leave it, started spending a lot of my money on god knows what everything and anything he would bitch about. It was his way or he was not happy.
After a few months it seemed like he lost interest, he couldn't hardly hold a conversation with me, he acted like i was his sex slave, if i asked what did you do today he got pissed, if he wanted something and i said no he would tell me I am ugly and he will find another girl. He started lying about everything.
I finally broke down and told him that I can't handle it and that it hurts and that he wasn't like this before but now I feel like he is just using me and like he is my pimp. He listened and said that I was a emotional cry baby but he would try to work on it. I didn't see any improvement after months and he lied to me alot so I told him he has to move out.
The second I said that he packed his stuff and was out the door in less then 30 mins. He was telling me that I am a nobody and that no guy would ever want me and that he is starting to not like me. I cried and couldn't respond and he said your to fucking emotional.
After a few days he calls and says he misses me and that he wanted to come home I said no and he said can we still be together and work this out. I said yes I love you but I am tired of being hurt and when I saw a change he could come back home. He agreed and thought it was a good idea.
the 1st 2 weeks he kept calling every two to three hours, we went on dates, we talked, we actually enjoyed each other and had fun like we use to. He told me he misses me and that he realizes he messed up and I realized that I was a little to blame too. So I told him I miss him so much and I couldn't sleep for days so he should come back home.
He came over spent the night and the next day he left to go pack his things and see his little sister, he was coming the next night. He then called the next day and said he was going to his moms so i said i thought you where coming home. He got pissed and said you told me to get out, you wanted this. I said I know but I miss you and I love you and I think we been doing great. He said no I think we should just leave it this way I will come see you alot thru out the week and stuff.
Four days went by I talked to him 5 mins a day and all the sudden he is too busy out with his friends lying again. So I asked why r u to busy for me but you can hangout with your friends, you can't even talk on the phone for more then five mins. He got mad of course and said I love you I just need my space. He only calls when his friends r busy and he has nothing to do. When he comes over he wants to have sex tell me how much he loves me and goes to bed.
What should I do?
I want to say first that I am VERY proud of you for standing up for yourself and asking him to leave. No woman deserves to be treated like a doormat and I know how hard it is to take that step. You are very strong for doing that and deserve a lot of credit.
I know it is hard when a relationship just isn't meant to be - but it sounds like that is true here. You have it 110% of your effort. You are trying to work on it. You are trying to talk with him. He has had every opportunity (and more!!) to have you by his side. He has squandered every opportunity, used you, abused you, and now he wants to keep you around as a safety net. He is going to do what he wants to do, when he wants to do it, and when he's bored he'll use you as entertainment until something better comes along.
That is NOT healthy - and you deserve far better. Yes, you dream of how he used to be when he was first courting you. However, time machines don't exist, and that man no longer exists. He has changed, and very clearly for the worse. He isn't going to "undo" that change. An adult frog can't become a tadpole again. It's just not possible. He is going to keep changing going forward - that is true - but the chance of him somehow changing 180 degrees into a respectful person again is really slim to none.
You sound like you don't have a stable of friends around you to support you, to turn to instead of to him. Build that stable of friends. Tell him you need YOUR space, just like he does. Tell him you need two weeks without him to think about things, and stop taking his calls. Talk to YOUR friends, to your support group, and build your own life without him. It is always hard to go through this, but you will be much stronger afterward, and will find a guy who IS perfect for you.
-- from Lisa
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com