im jealous of my boyfriends female friends.

Visitor's Question from a 16-20 year old Female
hi. ive been with my boyfriend 3 1/2 years. we started dating in highschool. he was 16 and i was 17. weve had a somewhat rocky relationship, but not too bad. but he was and is my first boyfriend to this day. when we first started dating, i was jealous of all this female friends then. why? i just got him as my boyfriend, and hes hugging other girls? that made me jealous. on top of that, one of the girls he hung out with daily and hugged daily he had had a crush on before, and she had a crush on him too! and even when me and my boyfriend were going out, hed hang out with her alone! that made me very jealous, also because she was funny and also cute. then when he would talk to me, he would always tell me about how funny and wonderful she is, and hed never say a bad word or anything about her. secondly, he had cheated on all his girlfriends in the past. he even cheated on his girlfriend he had, with ME, then dumped her for me. how do i know he wont do that easliy with someone else, if hes done it to two other girls before me? and he naturally gravitates towards girls as friends, which worries me. also, i dont know anything about his friends. how do i know how they are, or how they act with him when theyre alone? time has passed though, and he doesnt hang out with alot of people from highschool anymore. there is another girl that he is still friends with, that i know too, but not as well. he texts her ALL the time, everyday. at first id ask him who he is texting (cause he does that to me too when im on the phone) and hed say "no one". which to me is someone whose trying to hide something. finally he told me who. and he talks to her everyday, all the time, but hardly ever texts me at all. (we dont live together btw. but we do see each other at school). i guess i just get jealous of her, but not so much because of her appearance, but mostly her personality, and the fact that she gets so much attention from him. (she has a boyfriend by the way). he never says anything bad about her either, everything is always good. and everything she says is always funny. but when i talk to him, hes so critical of me, and even when im sincerly being funny, he doesnt think i am. but the slightest words out of his friends mouth makes him bust up laughing! it just makes me feel so unwanted and unloved. it makes me sad also because i know he doesnt talk about me to his friends, or how much he loves me or anything cause ive asked him before. but i tell my friends how much i love him all the time and how funny he is. i dont know, i guess im just being stupid and irrational. i know i dont have a very high self esteem, and i think it is because he throws compliments about his friends left and right, but can hardly speak one for me. im also very critcal on myself, and think very lowly of myself, like i am not worthy for anyones time. ive read almost all the tips on here, but still id like to just hear your opinion after reading my story. im sorry i did write an 8 page novel, i tried not to. :(

and one other thing. before he came along, no other guys really showed interest in me. and if they did, theyd just want to have sex with me and nothing more. (i never did have sex with any of them, though.) ive been used many many times by many guys who tricked me into thinking they like me, when in the end they just wanted my attention and would throw me away. (more then half told me that to my face) i always trusted every guy i met, but i think now after getting thrown around so long, my trust is at 0%, and with the person i should have the most trust in... Advice
You've been with your boyfriend 3 1/2 years. That is a long time and you have been dealing with a lot of jealous feelings. I'd say that it will be next to impossible for him to change his behavior after all this time. So you have to decide whether you will be able to have a happy life with your jealousy and mistrust.

However, if you plan on sticking with him, you might be able to get him to make some minor changes. For example, demand that he pay you a compliment every day even if it is just to say "you look nice today."

Also, it takes two to tango. He may be hurting you, but you are putting up with it so why should he change? Maybe you would feel better if you stood up to him. But you are probably afraid to do that for fear of losing him. By now he may think that the way to keep your love is to treat you mean... after all it has worked up to now. And, it could get worse.

Make up your mind now. Be unhappy for the rest of your life, or try to change him (this is a very long shot), or look for someone new. You always have choices in life and this is a very important one for you.

Good luck! George

-- from George
One of Your Friendly Advisors at

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