My Boyfriend has a Best Friend that is a Girl
Visitor's Question from a 13-15 year old Female
i have a boyfriend who has a best friend as a girl. he has been friends with her for 3 years. she is in a abusive relationship. she is not too much of a friend to my boyfriend when things are going well in her life. however when things are going wrong she always turns to him.
she is very attractive, but he says he thinks of her too much as a sister however they have kissed before. im not the type of person that would ask him to give her up for me. but i tend to get really jealous. hes confused me because at one point he said he would give her up for me and now he says he would not. also they have gone skinny dipping tog and slept in the same bed.
his arg is if they have never done anything sexual before besides the awkward kiss that they had, why would they do anything now? my question is do i have a right to be jealous? he cannot to seem to understand why i am jealous how should i handle this.
On one hand, it's very normal for boys to have girls for best friends and visa versa. It's very healthy and lets you have a rounded view on life. You should never be made to give up friends either - friendship is based on the idea of loyalty and caring. If someone could just 'give up' a friend, they could just as easily 'give up' a partner because in both cases it's about being loyal to someone you care about. So while it was nice for him to say before that he'd consider dropping her as a friend to please you, it actually is more reassuring to hear him say that he doesn't want to abandon someone that he cares about.
While it's common for boys and girls to try out kissing and skinny dipping and so on, his argument is flawed that "because X happened in the past, Y will therefore happen in the future". We are all not blocks of granite that never change. Obviously people go from liking each other to loving each other to hating each other over the years. This is normal. So for him to say "I felt X about her in the past and therefore will always feel X about her until I am 99 years old" is pretty silly. People change greatly from year to year.
It sounds very much like this girl uses him as a fall-back affection. When she has other things to do she doesn't need him and ignores him. But he's her safety net when she has trouble, she goes running to him and he appreciates her trust in him. It makes him feel good that when she is in trouble, she relies on him to help her out.
None of these things are bad things, they're all part of life. But he needs to acknowledge that it is going on. He needs to always keep you first in his life, just as you keep him first in your own life. Yes, he has her as a friend and friends are important. But the couple is always MOST important and should talk about all other aspects of what goes on. So you and he SHOULD talk about this girl, and how she is feeling, and how he will handle her. She should be someone you and he *care* about but not someone that in any way becomes more important to him than you are.
Yes, you should trust him and trust his maintaining that balance. But he also needs to be *realistic* about what is going on and not just dismiss your concerns. This girl IS a potential threat to try to grab him to rescue her from a relationship SHE should be handling on her own. She should be leaving the abusive guy, not latching on to yours. The best thing you two can do for her is GET her to leave her guy and get into therapy so she doesn't do that again. For her to just let herself get abused and assume that your boyfriend will "save her" is incredibly unhealthy.
-- from Jenn
One of Your Friendly Advisors at RomanceClass.com